Brilliant … But Bouncy

What Could I Do?

My English minor required a class I desperately did not want to take: Shakespeare.

I’d like to say that, thanks to the iambic pentameter, grand metaphors and the deep significance of Shakespearean drama, comedy, and poetry, I learned to appreciate Shakespeare in spite of my incessant drinking. I’d like to say I fell in love with his clever wit long before I reached my forties.

But I did not.

I was a full-blown using alcoholic with a passion for cocaine. Shakespeare was just another long-dead guy who should have been able to use modern American English.

So I went to the class sometimes, and sometimes I did not go. Sometimes I made it to class but slept through the entire hour. I didn’t know what was going on; I didn’t even read the cliff notes versions of the works we were studying.

It was spring semester of my senior year. I didn’t care if I did the work or not. I just wanted to graduate.

My grades reflected my attitude. Every now and then, Dr. Chapman would pull me aside and say “blah-blah-blah,” and then I would do a little something. Sometimes.

He consistently reminded me: “You’ll need to pass the final exam or you’re not going to pass the class.”

We both knew that failing meant I wouldn’t graduate in May, so I did the bare minimum.

And then I didn’t even do that.

The night before my Shakespeare final, I pulled out everything we were supposed to read and I started reading. I hadn’t read anything, so I had a lot of catching up to do.

I started to read poetry, because it was shorter. But I didn’t understand Shakespearean poetry. I sure didn’t understand the plays. Still, somehow, I thought I could catch up real quick.

After “studying” for two hours, I quit. I figured I’d pass if I read the study guide a couple of times … while I was hanging out with Bonnie, who was also “studying.”

So I took some papers into Bonnie’s room, leaving my books behind, and Bonnie and I started “studying” together. Then we went to The Hood and drank until the bar closed.

Apparently I passed out at my desk with my face on my books because that’s how I woke up, parched as usual, head throbbing. My eyes barely open, I lit a cigarette and glanced at the clock.

My Shakespeare exam was over.

I’d slept through it. And I slept three additional hours, too.

I was not going to graduate from college.

What could I do?

I raced around asking people what to do. Someone said: “Call Dr. Chapman.”

So I did. I rambled on about some completely fabricated emergency that had caused me to miss the exam and how I was sure I was going to do well if only I’d had the chance to take it ….

I actually expected my professor to tell me I didn’t need to take the exam; I wanted so badly to get away with my blunder.

With barely a word of response, Dr. Chapman said, “You can take a make-up exam in two hours. I assume you can be here for that.”

He hung up.

His kindness was the only thing allowing me an opportunity to graduate.

Two hours later, head still pounding, I plowed through the make-up exam. I did not do well. But I somehow escaped the consequences of my own stupidity and drunkenness. Again.

I got a D- in the class, my lowest collegiate grade, and secured a minor in English, too.

I was going to graduate after all.

I See the Honeybee Cluster.

Soaking up the last that college had to offer me, I went to every frat party at every fraternity, just like I’d done freshman year. I saw all the same people – those who’d abused me, those who’d ignored me, and those who’d partied and danced with me and brought me great joy for four years. While I remember very little about academics, frat parties shine in my memories.

At one particular party, I filled up my red cup and stepped outside, through a window, onto a balcony. (I wish I could remember which frat house had a step-able balcony, but I cannot.) I was thrilled to get away from the hubbub and spend a moment alone in the warm night air.

Mere moments later, The One stepped onto the balcony, too.

He once loved you, I thought. I forgot everything else. Seeing him there, my hopes soared. Could it be that He was still in love with me? Did He want to get together after graduation? Or would we just spend one more night together, talking and laughing like old times?

Being in such close proximity to Him made me nervous, but I was drinking. So I coolly mentioned the stars, pointing out the constellations that He’d taught me during our nights together, kissing, splashing in the lake, staring at the skies.

“I see the Honeybee Cluster,” I said, pointing at the sky. He laughed aloud. (There’s a chance that the Honeybee Cluster isn’t a publicly recognized constellation.)

The One and I chatted as though no time had passed, as though we’d just taken a few weeks apart. In reality it had been two and a half years since our night in the lake. Two years of me obsessing over every move He made, two years of me pining for my Prince, two years of me believing with every fiber of my being that He and I were Meant To Be.

And our conversation proved it all worthwhile. It was like we’d stepped back in time and finally, finally, we were conversing easily and comfortably, together again.

Then there was a rustle behind us – someone else coming out onto the balcony and breaking The Spell.

I turned to see someone climbing through the window, chains smacking on the sill, beer splashing on his boots as he landed on the balcony.

“There ya are, Baby!” Larry gushed.

I almost cried.

One second ago, my life had been perfect again. My future was clear again. My dreams were coming true again. And though I’d forgotten Larry’d ever existed, Mr. Right Now appeared and ruined The Dream.

“How’s it goin’, Man?” Larry asked, genuinely unconcerned. He smiled at The One, all those crooked teeth showing, humiliating me. I wanted to scream Go AWAY! but I couldn’t speak.

The One was a full four inches taller than Larry. He was younger, stronger, smarter, more beautiful and cooler in every way. The One made Larry look like a sick rooster.

But Larry’s appearance zapped the life out of The One. He was no longer looking at stars or having a conversation with me; suddenly The One was a deer caught in headlights.

The love of my life mumbled a greeting and a goodbye in one breath, and high-tailed it off that balcony just as fast as he could get through the window. In his extreme haste, I’m surprised he didn’t just jump over the ledge to the ground below.

Dazed and heartbroken, I crawled inside and went to get another beer. My cup had been empty for awhile and I hadn’t even noticed.

What Were You Thinking?

After her tryst – or platonic moment – with The One, Bonnie and I faltered. I wanted to believe what she’d said to me, that He’d loved me, but I had been with Bonnie on countless escapades when we’d picked up guys and gone back together to their rooms, homes or hotels.

I couldn’t really trust that she hadn’t slept with The Love of My Life, particularly since I’d once slept with the love of her life. If I’d done that to her, why wouldn’t she do that to me?

But what bothered me most was her willingness to walk out the door with Him, leaving The Hood while I watched the two of them go. She’d known me for two years, known that I watched Him constantly to see what He was doing, who was making Him laugh, when He was leaving – and with whom He left. So she knew I watched her go, with Him, and she didn’t care.

Worse yet, Bonnie had the audacity to confront me with the truth.

“How could you do that to me?” I wailed, even after we’d both thought the incident was behind us.

“I didn’t do it to you,” she said. “I did it for you. I wanted to know what made him tick.”

“But you know I love Him more than anyone else in the whole world!” I cried. “What were you thinking?”

Bonnie took only a small beat before answering. “I was thinking you had Larry,” she said. “And it didn’t matter who I fuckin’ went home with at Mount Union. Since you moved in with Larry, we haven’t exactly been doing everything together. When you’re with Larry, you’re not with me or anybody else.”

I’d been living with Larry for nearly a year and this was the first time Bonnie had mentioned that, along the way, I’d kind of deserted her.

I considered this thought.

First and foremost, while Larry was technically my boyfriend, he wasn’t someone who interested me, someone to whom I felt loyal, or someone who was going to grow old with me. He was already old, for one thing. For another, my interests were in men my own age, preferably ones with brains, and I rarely considered that I was “cheating on” Larry when I was just doing the same things I’d always done.

Larry was my protector, my rock star, my lifeline. He was the person who took care of me when my parents stopped. I didn’t once consider that I might want to take care of myself. I didn’t know how – and I didn’t want to expend the effort it would take to care for myself.

So the fact that I had ditched my best friend to be with a man had never occurred to me. I didn’t decide to be with a man; I decided to get away from my parents.

And Bonnie was still my best friend.

“But I would rather be with you,” I said. “I would always rather be with you!”

Eventually we were both crying and hugging and declaring our undying love for one another. And eventually we drove the truck through the drive-thru for beer, and started drinking again.

Soon after, Bonnie attached herself to a guy named Tony – a nerdy freshman with a penchant for pot – and she only wanted to be with him. I didn’t understand the attraction, and I found myself not only jealous, but dissed – even when Tony, Bonnie, Larry and I went out together.

That’s when I finally understood what she was saying. I’d traded in my best friend for a guy.

I Would Longingly Stare at The One.

From the first time I saw him at Mount Union, through all the one-nighters and living with Larry, I was completely and utterly obsessed with The One.

I dreamed of the days when he would meet me at my dorm room window and take me out riding under the stars, of playing darts in his room and Kraftwerk on the stereo, of kissing him at the flagpole and in the lake and in the frat house shower. I believed we were destined to be together in spite of his showing absolutely no interest in me after our few weeks of dating.

For awhile, The One dated one of my best friends from freshman year, who was no longer one of my friends. Another friend told me he cheated on her, which I found hard to believe, but they subsequently broke up.

Lost in a fairy tale, I would longingly stare at The One whenever he was near. I’d go to his lacrosse games and watch him run around on the field, having no idea how lacrosse worked. I’d watch him walk to the cafeteria, gawking at the coolness he exuded. I’d stand across the room at parties, watching him having fun and chatting with everyone in his vicinity, smiling and making everyone else laugh.

I’d dream of the day when he’d come back to me, as if I had something wonderful to offer.

One night, Bonnie went home with The One.

Having slept with Bonnie’s ex-boyfriend, I had no right to be angry, but I was livid. I remember screaming at her and crying and wanting to kill my best friend. It was like she’d taken the one thing that belonged to me, even though The One belonged to no one.

To this day, I have no idea if he had sex with her. But I grilled her to hear every detail of the evening. She told me almost nothing. She said they listened to music and talked – so, exactly what he did with me. Still wanting to rip out her hair, I begged for more.

“The only thing we did was talk about you,” she said. “He said he thought he loved you.”

He loved me?!?

This shut me up. This made me stop crying. This calmed my fears and brought back hope. This made me feel like the princess in the fairy tale again.

Bonnie was a known liar. She lied to her parents, her professors, her friends. Whenever she was cornered or wanted to make someone else feel better, she just lied. She found this to be a perfectly acceptable course of action whenever it suited her.

And apparently right now, the day after going home with the Love of My Life, it suited her.

I think. I don’t know. Maybe he really did say he thought he loved me. Maybe he actually said he thought he loved her. The world – and I – may never know.

But that day, I felt better. I wanted to believe in love, in fairy tales, in all the things I’d learned from the Wonderful World of Disney and The Brady Bunch.

If it existed, maybe it existed for me and The One.

“You can’t always get what you want, Kirsten,” he’d said to me.

But that was too painful to remember.

I chose to believe he once thought he loved me, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary.

Holding On was Rough.

We roared out of the trailer park around dawn, probably waking everyone within a mile radius, and went to get cigarettes and gas for the road. I needed to get back to Ohio for class.

But before we headed out of Florida, I begged Larry to take me to a beach – any beach. Other than the sand strewn on the side of the road and under the trailer, I hadn’t seen any sand at all.

“We gotta go!” Larry said. “We gotta get to fuckin’ Ohio!” The F word had become a frequently used noun, verb, adjective and adverb in our very limited vocabulary.

“We drove all the way to fuckin’ Florida,” I whined. “I just want to see some fuckin’ water!”

“We don’t have fuckin’ time,” he said. “We’re moving down here in a fuckin’ month. I’ll take you to the beach every fuckin’ day if ya want! But right now, we gotta go!”

As we drove across a bridge out of town Larry yelled, over the roar of the engine, “There’s some fuckin’ water!” He laughed but he wasn’t joking. That was all I saw of the beach during my spring break in Florida.

My head hurt; my body ached. I had a hangover that wouldn’t be erased with half a dozen cigarettes and two cans of Diet Coke. And I had to hop on the back of the motorcycle and ride a thousand miles home.

The trip north was substantially worse than the trip to Florida. First, we took two days for the trip south; on the way back we made it in one – nearly 24 hours without beer or sleep. Larry drove the whole way, and my only job was to try not to fall off the bike while it was moving. Holding on was rough.

But also on the way down, I had dreams. I believed I was going to have fun in the sun, party with college kids from all over the world, lounge in the sand and splash in the waves. Instead I hung out with Larry, doing whatever he wanted to do, and the highlight of my trip was sleeping with dogs under a trailer.

Somehow I didn’t connect the dots of my life at this point. I didn’t recognize that when college was over, I wouldn’t be hanging out with college kids anymore. I wouldn’t be doing cocaine at The Elm with Bonnie, or playing music in her room, or watching The Graduate or going to parties on weekends doing beer bongs and passing out on floors and waiting for Snow Carnival.

I thought college would last forever.

Finally “free” from my parents, with no rules and no discipline – not even self-discipline – I somehow believed that I’d discovered the key to adulting without responsibility. I thought that life with Larry, no matter where we lived, would be the perfect amount of freedom and happiness, the two things that had eluded me since I’d started drinking.

It never occurred to me that my trip to Florida might foreshadow my future. I wrote it off as a bad vacation and just wanted to tell Bonnie how lame it had been, and how much I’d missed her.

So I could hardly wait to get back to school, back to my friends, back to the campus I’d grown to love. As I hung onto Larry for a thousand miles, my butt sore and my head screaming, all I wanted to do was get back to college … and drink.

“Kiss-A-Me!”

After my disastrous run-in with Larry’s ex-girlfriend, I begged Larry to find the infinite parties that surely awaited me during my spring break.

Where could I find the sun-drenched college kids and keg-infested parties? We were in Florida! I thought I’d be surrounded by half-naked college kids everywhere; I thought that was how spring break worked.

Apparently the entire state of Florida is neither a beach nor a party.

In fact, I hadn’t even seen a beach – just a million scrawny palm trees and miles and miles of very short houses. This is not what I’d imagined.

Larry and I sat in a dark bar somewhere, like we did at home, and drank. I whined and moaned and complained. Larry heard my pleas and somehow found out about a party in Kissimmee, more than an hour away.

Kissimmee, pronounced Kuh-si’-mee, had the dubious distinction of including the word “kiss” in the spelling of its name.

Larry found this to be hysterical. He called it “Kiss-a-me” and insisted that, every time the word was uttered, a kiss needed to be exchanged.

“Let’s go to Kiss-a-me!” he’d say, leaning toward my face with his lips pursed. “Kiss-a-me, Baby!”

I would peck him on the lips and he would giggle like a child with a secret.

When we finally arrived in Kissimmee – which is just another palm-tree-laden town – I didn’t see beaches or college kids or sand or kegs or frisbees.

Instead we rolled the Harley into a trailer park. We found the party by following the classic rock blaring from the boombox propped in the open window.

The party was jammed with people, none in college and mostly men. They stuck together like licorice inside the tiny trailer holding cans of beer, cigarettes and cigars that burned my eyes while my ears ached with the brutal raucousness of it all.

There was plenty of beer. I drank and drank and drank and drank, speaking to almost no one, guzzling whatever I could to drown out the fact that I was stone-cold alone, even with Larry nearby. When the sun started going down, he was still blathering with strangers.

I was only there for the beer. I had no idea that this was a preview of my supposed future in Florida. This probable mistake aside, I still thought we’d find beaches.

Occasionally Larry’d come by to check on me and ask, “You okay, Baby?” And I’d nod.

I spent my day with the local dogs. I sat on the ground outside the trailer, willing mutts to let me pet them – which they did. They were matted and despondent. When the dogs tired of me, or of the noise, they would crawl under the trailer to escape.

Eventually I crawled under the trailer to escape, too.

Larry stuck his head under the trailer in the dark and laughed. “What’re ya doing?”

“I’m staying here,” I said.

“But first … Kiss-a-me!”

I rolled over and pecked his face. Larry laughed, then disappeared again.

Like the dogs, I came out when I needed something – another beer, a bathroom – and then I crawled back under the trailer. The ground was nothing but dirt, mud and bugs, but I found it comforting to be away from the ruckus.

Eventually I decided I may as well sleep there. I put one arm under my head as a pillow and passed out in the mud.

Later Larry crawled under the trailer, too. He curled up next to me and slept, both of us waking up cold and filthy with the sunrise.

By morning, even the dogs were gone.

There Was Nowhere To Hide.

Larry owned a ranch-style brick house that looked like every other house in Florida. We rolled onto the lawn – a mix of sand, crabgrass and sandspurs – ignoring the cracked concrete driveway.

Larry and Suzy had lived together at this house for eight years.

Suzy opened the front door – no screen/storm door – and waved. She was in her early thirties, short and cute with a blonde ponytail and a sweet smile.

I hated her instantly. I knew we were at war over my man.

“Suzy, this is Kirsten,” Larry beamed. “Kirsten, Suzy.”

“Nice to meet you,” she said, still smiling.

“Hey,” I mumbled, looking at the ground.

Inside was one room housing a couch, a coffee table with six ashtrays and a magazine, and a dining room table with three chairs. To the left was a doorway into a tiny kitchen; to the right were two bedrooms with closed doors. A fourth dining chair – broken – sat outside a sliding glass door.

There was no need for a tour.

And there was nowhere to hide.

Larry took a quick glance around; everything must have been as he left it.

I walked into the backyard while Larry talked to Suzy. I desperately wanted a beer; it had been months since I’d gone so long without one. My head throbbed. I assumed Larry would tell Suzy to move out and then we’d head to the nearest bar.

But I stood outside alone for a long time. I chain-smoked cigarettes, watching them fizzle listlessly in the dirt.

After forever, Suzy – of all people – opened the door and asked if she could talk to me for a minute. I hated this idea, but I followed her into the kitchen. There was nowhere to sit. Like any self-respecting middle-schooler, I pushed myself up and onto the kitchen counter while Suzy spoke.

Eventually she got to the point: “The main reason Larry and I broke up is that I wanted to have children,” she said. “And I assume you know he’s had a vasectomy.”

“Uh-huh,” I growled. I wasn’t about to discuss my sex life with her.

“So today I went to the doctor….” She looked around the kitchen, then back up at me. “And I found out ….”

I took another drag on my cigarette and waited.

Suddenly Suzy choked up, trying desperately hard not to cry. “Today I found out that I can’t have kids,” she said quickly. “I can never have kids.” She exhaled and looked at me expectantly.

I wish I’d said to Suzy: I am so, so sorry; that has to be horrible. I had no idea that’s why you broke up, and I can’t imagine your pain. I don’t even like Larry all that much; you can have him back. Maybe you two could adopt! He obviously still loves you; just give me a few weeks to find somewhere else to live and he’s yours.

Instead I glared at her. “Okay.” I drawled. “What the fuck do you want me to do about it?”

“Nothing,” she said, visibly shaken, a single tear escaping. “I just … I guess I thought you would….” She trailed off. “I thought you should know.”

I dropped myself down from the counter, my boots slamming onto the tile. “Now I know,” I snarled. “Anything else you want to fuckin’ tell me?”

Still looking at me for some semblance of humanity, Suzy shook her head quickly, then glanced at the floor.

I pushed past her to get to Larry in the other room. I said, “Can we go get a fuckin’ beer now?”

“Sure, Baby,” he said, obviously unaware that I’d become a psychopath.

I Was Not on TV.

Spring break with Larry wasn’t quite the same as the prior year with Bonnie.

I did not go to Chicago. I didn’t go to flashy wild after-hour clubs. I didn’t sleep with any extraneous men or pretend to be blind just for fun. I didn’t meet any legendary rock stars or party with The Firm.

Instead I went to Florida, where the wildest of Spring Breaksters traveled during the wildest time of the year. I’d wanted to go to Florida since my sole trip to Disney World in 1982; Florida was the ultimate in cool Spring Break destinations.

I had expectations of what Florida entailed. Here’s what I envisioned for my Spring Break:

In fact, when I was in Florida in March of 1986, MTV filmed – and broadcast – the insanity of Spring Break. The parties were savage!

Somehow I was not on TV.

My mission was substantially less interesting but, according to Larry, very important.

Larry had a house in Florida, and we had to go there and make sure it was still standing.

Larry and I fully intended to move to Florida after I graduated from college. But Suzy, Larry’s ex-girlfriend, still lived in Larry’s house in Saint Petersburg.

Larry and Suzy had split up only a short time before he met me at that gas station in Pittsburgh. Larry told Suzy she could stay “as long as you want.” But since we were planning to move into Larry’s house in a two months, he thought he should tell her in person that she needed to find somewhere else to live.

Suzy lived with two guys, Dave and Joe, who were possibly paying rent and, I guess, the mortgage. I never quite understood why Suzy, Dave and Joe all needed to live in Larry’s house when he moved out.

I did not want to meet Suzy, but I did want to go to Florida. I surely did not want to spend the week in our hellhole at the Pitcairn Motel. So I planned for my wild week in the Sunny South.

We did not fly to Florida; the truck would’ve never made the trip. So most of my Spring Break was me on the Harley, riding from Pittsburgh to St. Pete and back. Larry had to drive the entire way – both ways.

When asked what I should do, Larry said “Enjoy the ride, Baby!”

Since Larry was driving, he wasn’t drinking. This was not always the case, but he apparently made exceptions for multiple-hour drives. He had a few beers at our halfway hotel, but that was all.

For me, this was a complete waste of time. I didn’t have to stay sober; I wasn’t driving. So I drank as much as I could when we stopped for lunch – at a bar, of course – and drank way more at the crappy hotel.

The second day, I didn’t drink anything at lunchtime; we didn’t even pick up beer to take to Larry’s house. We just drove right on over there.

When we finally arrived in St. Pete, I was practically detoxed. I was hot and grouchy and mean.

In fact, it’s possible that I’ve never been meaner in my life.

We Watched It a Thousand Times.

Dustin Hoffman is an unlikely star. He’s not traditionally handsome or even tall. He doesn’t fit well into action movies and he wouldn’t make a good superhero.

In other words, he’s not the type of actor who should be cast in a variety of roles and expect those movies to be mega-hits except for one thing: Dustin Hoffman is an absolutely brilliant actor. He can play any part and make it not only believable but Oscar worthy: single father, street hustler, autistic adult – heck, even a female in Tootsie – and that doesn’t even count his superb performances in exceptional movies like Wag the Dog and I Heart Huckabees. He brought Willy Loman to life. Even his appearance on The Simpsons is my favorite guest appearance in 30+ seasons of the show.

It’s impossible not to believe in Dustin Hoffman’s character every, single time.

But no matter how many brilliant parts he plays, for me there will be nothing greater ever than Dustin Hoffman’s portrayal of Benjamin Braddock in The Graduate. Sure, Mike Nichols had a lot to do with its success – its sheer brilliance – but that movie, released originally in 1969 – remains to this day my absolute favorite.

The movie is about a recent college graduate, and it’s a comedy unlike any other written before or since. It’s legendary for its ability to create characters and a story solely through camera angles, use of music, slick editing and quality production.

So after seeing the movie at the Pittsburgh Playhouse for the first time, I wanted to share it with my friends at Mount Union. When I was in college, there was no streaming, so this required a trip to the local video store.

Fortunately we had that truck. When we had to get a video rental card at the rental store, I got one – thinking I’d rent this movie frequently. Thankfully I didn’t need a credit card at the time to guarantee my rental status.

We carried The Graduate into the dorm as though it were a newborn infant. I could hardly wait to share it.

And share it, I did. In fact, we watched it a thousand times. (This is only a slight exaggeration.)

Bonnie and I watched the entire movie over and over and over. People watched with us; we watched alone. We laughed until we cried. The words “here she is having some water” still create hysterics.

And the part where Benjamin is “drifting here in the pool” followed by a solid five minutes of Simon & Garfunkel’s angsty melodies causing its entranced viewers to gasp in angst ourselves … well that part, we watched 3,000 times.

These are moments I will treasure for the rest of my life: sitting around with popcorn and/or beer, studying Dustin’s casual leanings and musical eye shifts, until we had to rewind again. We’d run to the bathroom then race back to hit “play” again.

It’s interesting now that I don’t remember in what room I experienced these treasured moments. I didn’t know anyone who had a TV, let alone a VHS player.

But I remember at the end of my senior year, when we watched it one more time and realized: someone has to return this well-worn VHS to the video rental store! After all, we were only supposed to have it for three days.

We’d had it for seven months.

“Let’s get Larry to return it,” Bonnie said as the year drew to a close. “Nobody’s gonna fuck with Larry!”

Sure enough, Larry sauntered into the video store and dropped off the tape, no questions asked.

You Chose To Drink!

I am not a victim. And yet, I am. But I’m not. And I am.

So much of my past lingers in my head: things that were done to me, things that happened to me, people who abused me in countless ways. Except … if I hadn’t been drinking, I might not have been victimized.

I was naive and ignorant about people, especially men. I was emotionally younger than most, intellectually older than some, and frequently stupid at very high levels.

I repeated the same patterns over and over and over and over. Whenever I started drinking, I didn’t stop drinking … until I was forced by some Act of God: the bar closing, for example, or my passing out on the sidewalk. Then I finally stopped drinking … until the next day.

Not everyone understands this. Non-alcoholics have said to me: you chose to drink. And that is correct! In spite of the consequences, I repeatedly chose to drink.

It doesn’t make me any less a victim, although I choose not to sit around feeling victimized anymore. But I also choose not to drink anymore, partially because my life was a living hell when I drank.

Choosing not to drink is really that simple – for 90% of the population – and it’s virtually impossible for someone who is addicted to alcohol. Only 10% of the population – according to studies – are alcoholic and/or drug-addicted. (NIH calls it “drug-use disorder” now.) So 90% of people tell the alcoholic: Just don’t drink!

And that’s where it gets complicated.

For the 90% who have not had to survive addiction, I say … imagine this:

You’re right-handed. (Substitute left-handed if you’re a lefty.) You wake up one morning and your dominant hand is broken. It’s not painful – it just doesn’t work anymore. It’s hanging there, limp. You can’t fix it; it’s just broken forever.

You have a full day ahead of you. You have to make breakfast, get the kids off to school, go to work, make dinner, bathe the kids and get them to bed, all without your right hand. Imagine you have to do everything one-handed – and with the non-dominant hand. Make your bed, brush your teeth, shower, put on your clothes. Brush your hair, drive a car, send a text, eat a sandwich…. Some things would be virtually impossible.

Just try putting on your socks with one hand – really.

For an alcoholic, living without alcohol is akin to living without a functional right hand.

By age 21, I’d reached a point in which, no matter what situation I faced, my brain screamed: I can’t do this without alcohol! Drinking alcohol was the only thing that made the right hand work properly again.

Non-alcoholics may say: I can go a whole day with my left hand! They tell stories of broken wrists, carpal tunnel, whatever. I could go a whole day without alcohol, too – but it was very, very hard. Until I got some life-changing help, my days of sobriety were severely limited.

So technically, drinking is a choice – but it is a choice that makes no sense to an active alcoholic. Why should I quit drinking when it’s the only thing that makes me functional?

While drinking, I “forgot” about being victimized. I “forgot” about anything that made it painful and horrendous to live. I shoved those thoughts to the back of my brain then kept pushing forward, because drinking was the only thing – I thought – helping me to live.

I believed this, deep-down, until the day I saw the Mack truck – but that truck was a long, long way away.