I Think I Am Heading in the Right Direction.
Writing a blog about parenting – or, for that matter, any subject – leaves a writer open to comments from all walks of life. While so few people read my blog that it even warrants comment, I am always amazed by the comments I get.
Mostly – and quite surprisingly – my readers are worried.
They are not worrying along with me, which is what I would have expected. They are not concerned for the well-being of my children, or Dylan’s success in algebra, or Shane’s remnants of vision processing disorder that won’t allow him to spell properly. In fact, they’re not worried about my children at all. Not directly, at least.
They’re worried about me.
To be fair, the people who read my blog are almost exclusively people who care about me. I mean, why else would anybody read this thing every couple of days? I know why I write it – but I’ve never understood anyone’s propensity to actually read it.
Some of this stems from my insecurity, I realize. And some of this is just common sense.
Regardless, I have had more outpourings of love and compassion since I started writing this blog than I have in my entire life – with the possible exception of love from my parents, who have been compassionate since the day I was born.
My “sick” brain thinks that I should continue to be anxious and upset and worried all the time, so that I can continue to get attention from those who love me.
But the rest of me – the vast majority of me – would like to get better really fast. And while I’d like to say it’s partly for my readers and those who love me, I’d actually like to get better fast for the sake of my kids.
The stuff I do – inappropriate yelling (followed by very appropriate apologizing, for example) – keeps me up at night. I don’t think I would do these things if I weren’t always wound tighter than a top. I keep reading books – book after book after book – hoping to find “the answer” that I seek.
I don’t want to be a control freak. I want to have more faith than fear. I want to be a kind, loving, caring human being.
I really do.
And I think I am heading in the right direction… one day at a time.
Which, quite honestly, is much too slow for my tastes.
True, true. Patience has never been my strong suit. But thank you for proving, yet again, my point about people caring about me! You’re wonderful.
Patience is a virtue. I heard that somewhere once, nothing ever happens quick enough. But something else I heard once was: not my time but thy time. God’s clock is definitely set to a different drum. He knows when the right time is even when we think we know better. Keep on praying girl!