Why Does That Remind You of Me?
One night at the bar, I asked Ronnie if we’d still be friends after Larry and I broke up.
“Are you breaking up?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “But if we did, would I still be able to find you?”
“Yeah,” Ronnie said. “I guess. My last name is the only one in the phone book that starts with B-Z.”
“What’s your last name?” I asked.
“Doesn’t matter,” Ronnie said. “Just remember B-Z and you’ll find me.”
“OK, B-Z,” I said. “If Larry and I break up, I’ll check the phone book. And I’ll always think of you when I hear Driver 8.”
Ronnie worked in the steel mill. He once told me that the R.E.M. lyric “we’ve been on this shift too long” repeated in his head every day.
“And I’ll think of you when I hear The Catch,” Ronnie said.
“The Catch?” I was curious. This Cure song wasn’t one of their most popular, but I loved it. “Why does that remind you of me?”
“I don’t know,” Ronnie said. “It just does.” I got the feeling he didn’t want to tell me, so we went back to drinking.
Later I listened to The Catch on my boombox, carefully discerning the lyrics and questioning their meaning to Ronnie. I listened to the song over and over again.
The part that stood out was this:
Sometimes we would spend the night
Just rolling about on the floor
And I remember even though it felt soft at the time
I always used to wake up sore
After repeating the song 2,000 times, I determined that my one sexual romp with Ronnie must have resulted in pain somehow. I started to feel bad for him, bad for myself, worried that I’d hurt him.
I wanted to apologize for my behavior, however it happened. I wanted Ronnie to be happy. And I wanted him to like me again.
At the bar the next week, I blurted: “I’m really sorry,” without so much as a greeting.
Ronnie looked up from his drink. “Sorry?”
“I’m sorry for hurting you,” I said. “If I did something that made you sore.”
“What are you talking about?” Ronnie asked, genuinely perplexed.
“I listened to The Catch, and I am afraid I hurt you.”
Ronnie thought about it for a second. A minute went by. Another minute. Finally he said, “I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
“You told me The Catch – you know, The Cure song …?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I know The Cure song.”
“You said it reminded you of me. I spent the whole week trying to figure out why.”
“Oh,” he said. “Yeah. You just fall down all the time.”
I considered this. I was drunk all the time, especially around Ronnie. I woke up bruised and battered with no idea why. I probably did fall down all the time; I just didn’t remember it.
“Oh,” I said. So basically, I thought, I’m just a lush.
I had enjoyed the song so much more when I thought it was a secret message from my best buddy.
I went home and I listened to The Catch more carefully, hearing the more simplistic message more clearly. Unlike the soft-and-sore part, the falling-down lyrics repeated twice.
And I remember she used to fall down a lot
That girl was always falling again and again
And I used to sometimes try to catch her
But never even caught her name.
I tried not to wonder whether or not Ronnie would try to catch me as I fell.
I always read a little bit too much into things.