This Liar is My Son.
Dylan was doing pretty well, all things considered. He wasn’t getting in trouble at school (except for that minor suspension). He was pulling his grades out of the gutter (except that he kept forgetting to turn in his Spanish homework) and he was acting responsibily at home – so much so, in fact, that we had started to depend on him for important things.
And he was coming through. He was doing all the right stuff.
So Dylan was only a few days away from getting his electronics privileges back… when I discovered that he’d been using electronics for the entire two weeks of electronics prohibition. He’s been sneaking onto his iPad at night, whenever he assumed we wouldn’t find out – and he’s been getting away with it.
It’s an interesting thing, discovering that I’ve been duped by the love of my life.
For example, it immediately and without discrepancy brings back all the times in my past that I’ve been duped. All the liars who have betrayed me… My best friend in 9th grade who had sex with my boyfriend. The guy I adored in 11th grade who cheated on me. The pathological liar with whom I lived in my early 20’s – and who taught me that nearly everything can be a lie. Or the woman who called herself my friend, who maliciously spat upon me, ending nearly 30 years of a perceived “deep” friendship – for absolutely no reason.
All of those earlier pains come swimming to the surface, somehow setting the groundwork for this fatal kick in the gut.
But this is not my past, haunting me with its betrayals. This liar is my son.
This liar is the son I adored from the moment he appeared on this earth. He’s the baby I fed from my own breasts, who toddled down the hall as fast as he could, just to dive into my arms. He’s the giggling preschooler who came running out to greet me, waving fingerpaintings and crafts made out of popsicle sticks. He’s the angel who absolutely shreds my heart every, single time he opens his mouth to sing – even when he’s just goofing around in the kitchen.
And now that child lies to me. He hides from me. He breaks the rules, defies me. He knows right from wrong, yet chooses wrong.
I physically removed all of the electronics from his room. He won’t have any online access, even a cell phone, until the end of the school year. And even then, his grades have to improve tremendously if he wants to get them back. And if he’s caught using any device before then, he will lose them all for the rest of the summer. And he’s grounded indefinitely.
Because Dylan can no longer be trusted.
Kir,
1: Do not rip yourself apart over this.
2: It is absolute and normal kid behavior. They push back, they explore, the have limited thought processes.
3: Refer to 1.
Thanks, Brad! And thanks for putting it into lingo I can actually understand. 🙂
Ok rebel without a cause, breathe for a minute and remember…as much as Dylan is like you, he is not you. He may or may not follow the same path you did, but you will always be there to pick up the pieces if that is what needs to be done. That, my friend, is a parent’s job…to be there!
Thanks, Lorrie! Hard to remember – and always good to be reminded!
Kir, I know you won’t want to hear this…but some perspective. How many times as a teenager did you deceive those two wonderful people, who by the way sacrificed for you, that you call Mom & Dad? I don’t need an answer because I have my own skeletons in my closet that I have to deal with, I just want you to understand that teenagers rebel. Does that make his behavior OK? Absolutely not, but does it mean that it’s your fault or that you should take this personally? I think not, did you mean to hurt your parents? I know that I did not, at least not intentionally. I want you to cut yourself a break (not Dylan, but you) and realize that there is only so much about a teenager that is within our control. Now that I have said all of this I want to ask you to save this diatribe for the day when I am railing about something Joy has done or not, as I know with no uncertainty that the day will come when I need these same words of encouragement. I’m glad to have you to struggle through these turbulent waters together with.
Lor
Lorrie, I will SO be there for you, too! And of course, Shane will be rolling right into those teen years right along with her! Meanwhile, I’d love to give myself a break – except I don’t actually deserve one. And YES, I definitely meant to hurt my parents! I was furious with them for moving me out of my beloved hometown to another state – blamed them for all the problems I had socially (when, DUH, I was just a social misfit). I can’t say that my anger was justified, of course, and I am incredibly sorry now for all of the pain I caused them then.
I think the hardest part is knowing that, in my rebellion, I hurt myself more than anyone else – as hard as that is to believe, since I hurt so many people so deeply. And now I’m watching Dylan treading some of the same waters, wondering if he will dive in – or just stay in the shallow end. The most painful part is knowing how much it really hurts to be a rebel – how incredibly lonely it is – and standing by, watching it happen to him, and being powerless to stop it. I will just keep praying.