Brilliant … But Bouncy

Spiraling Down a Bottomless Pit is Inspirational.

My name is Kirsten, and I’m an alcoholic. Today I have 29 years sober.

I haven’t said much about my alcoholism on my blog, although I have a lot to say. This was supposed to be a parenting blog – and it was, for many years – so I hesitated to mention my alcoholism. People look down on alcoholics, even if we’re not drinking. They sure don’t look to drunks for parenting advice.

Fortunately, I didn’t have children as a drunk. Heck, I even quit smoking cigarettes when I got pregnant – so my children have never known a mom in the throes of addiction.

As a drunk, I was unable to care for anyone – not even myself. I couldn’t function. I just woke up every day in search of a way to stop feeling.

Drinking was my first true love. It was the thing that made me capable. When drinking, I was able to say things I’d been afraid to say, to do things I’d never done before, to step out of the self-imposed shell I’d created between the ages of 5 and 15. Drinking made me funny, likable, happy, exciting and free. It made me feel invincible.

That feeling lasted about two years. I started drinking on occasion when I was almost 16, and I thoroughly enjoyed my rebellious years until the end of my freshman year of college. That’s when things started to go sideways. Somewhere along the line, that feeling of freedom turned into a prison. I don’t know how it happened.

While chasing that feeling of invincibility, I started doing things I never thought I’d do. My morals went kerflooey. I stopped caring about my life, my goals, my school. I just stopped caring about everything except: how can I get another drink?

For the worst parts of my alcoholism, I wasn’t old enough to drink legally. But by the time I was 21, I’d been drinking daily for two years. Plenty of people enabled me back then, especially older men. Thinking back on this time of my life repulses me now – but without the worst bits, I may never have decided to stop drinking.

Spiraling down a bottomless pit is inspirational. And that’s how I ended up in rehab. I finally decided I wanted to stop drinking more than I wanted to chase another drink. I didn’t want to live, but I didn’t quite want to die. Mostly, I didn’t want to live another day staring into the mirror at my starkly barren reflection. They say your eyes reflect your soul, but my eyes were empty.

My first day of sobriety was August 20, 1992. I have lots of drinking stories. I’ve considered writing a book. But really, I just want to say: I am incredibly blessed to have gotten sober. Many people prayed for me, or I wouldn’t still be alive today. I know this. Also I had a clear sign from God (another story) that showed me I was doing the right thing by trying to quit drinking. No one really believes that particular story, but the sign from God was literal.

I am blessed in my life by people who were willing to pray for my health, even when I was suicidal. I am very, very fortunate that I survived the insanity. And I thank God every single day for my life.

Being alive is way better than living like a zombie; I just didn’t know it until 1992. Life is good. Thank you, God, for 29 sober years.