Please Stop Sitting on Your Brother.
One thing I find interesting thing about the last ten years is … how Shane handles Dylan.
Dylan is a strong personality. Whether or not I caused it by offering Dylan too much attention in his first three years, even at 13, he demands attention. He talks louder than everyone else in the room. He interrupts all the time. He can be downright obnoxious when he wants something. And the fact that he is constantly on the move – even when he’s sitting still – often requires more than one instructional comment.
For example, “For the 4,000th time, please don’t bounce the ball off of the wall.”
And, “You are kicking me. Please stop.”
And, “Can you stop tapping that pencil so I can hear what your father is saying?”
And, “Please stop sitting on your brother.”
So there’s Shane. You can often find Shane directly under Dylan. In a headlock, perhaps. Or upside down with Dylan dangling him by the feet. Or on Dylan’s back, but somehow under Dylan’s physical control.
When I tell Dylan to “stop” these behaviors, Shane will yell, as if he’s on an amusement park ride, “No, Mom! I asked him to do this!”
They play together beautifully. Even with Dylan emerging into the teen years, Shane is his confidante. They are buddies, pals, playmates and – in the deepest sense – true friends.
It’s a beautiful thing.
From almost the time he was born, Shane idolized Dylan. I have a great picture of the two of them, where Dylan is beaming for the camera – and Shane is staring at Dylan’s smiling face.
It’s just how it is.
I don’t know how it happened, but I think two things helped. First, before Shane was even old enough to walk, I read Siblings Without Rivalry, and studied it in great detail. It said something like, “If the kids aren’t in serious imminent danger, and no one is in danger of going to the hospital, let them work out their problems on their own.”
I can remember watching the boys wrestling when Dylan was 6 and Shane was 3. Shane got hurt. It wasn’t a bad injury – just a bump or a scratch. He sort of cried – not wailed, but he was sad.
I just remember thinking, Will someone need a hospital?
I wanted very badly to help him. I wanted to scoop him up in my arms, and carry him away, scolding Dylan for his carelessness. But I didn’t.
No one needed a hospital.
“Work it out, guys,” I said.
I pretended to be disinterested.
Shane cried a little louder. Then – oddly – Dylan apologized. And they’ve been working it out ever since.
A lot of the good in their relationship is because of their differences. Shane is laid back, doesn’t really seem to care what they do, as long as he occasionally gets to choose. Dylan often likes doing whatever Shane picks. And they’ve invented their own games that require both boys to make cards, or game boards, or full-blown amusement park rides.
They kind of create their own world sometimes.
Shane doesn’t imitate Dylan often, and is finally coming into his own, becoming his own person. So I guess it’s okay that Dylan can be demanding, and steal the attention.
As long as it’s okay with Shane, it’s going to be okay with me.
Even if, sometimes, it’s really hard to sit back and watch.