Oh No.
I am still an addict, even though I am sober. I don’t think about drinking all the time; life isn’t like that anymore. In fact, the obsession with drinking is completely gone, which is one of the great rewards of being sober.
But addiction is a huge part of who I am. I have an “addictive personality,” which never really changes.
I am obsessive to the point of insanity. I am drawn to the emotional, rather than the logical. I worry incessantly. I isolate. I am especially sensitive and not especially resilient. I focus on prior, traumatic events instead of taking steps toward a happy future. I vacillate between anxiety and depression, never going far from either. And I have a very negative outlook, no matter how good a situation may be.
Some of this is just me; some of it is addict behavior. I have no idea how to discern which is which, since I have always been like this, and a whole lot of addicts are like this, too.
When I drank, every day looked like this:
- Wake up: Oh no. What time is it what did I do where am I where do I need to be?
- Lunchtime: How much longer do I have to do this stupid stuff before I can drink?
- Evening: Finally. I can drink without anyone bothering me.
- Night: Why am I here? I don’t want to be here. This is not where I want to be. I just wanted to drink!
I would survive whatever situation I’d gotten myself into, and then start over the next day. I would hope that the next day would be different, that I would be able to drink the way I wanted to drink without ending up in the wrong place.
This never, ever, ever happened. I never just sat around and drank by myself, which is what I really wanted to do. Every time I picked up a drink or a drug, I ended up somewhere I didn’t want to be. Sometimes I ended up in the wrong place for years.
When I was drinking, the only thing I knew is that I would do absolutely anything to stay drunk – and that I might have to sacrifice my morals to complete my mission.
The thing about being sober is: I now have control over where I end up. I have control over my attitude and my actions. It’s a glorious thing to be able to decide what I want to do, and then just do it. It’s like a gift from God, honestly.
Now that I no longer drink, given my addict mentality, my days go something like this:
- Wake up: Oh no. What time is it? I don’t want to get up. I have to get up.
- Lunchtime: What can I eat? I should have something healthy. I can have anything I want!
- Evening: What did I eat today? I should allow myself to have junk. I should not eat any junk!
- Night: I should not have eaten the one thing I ate today that I allowed myself to have.
I have mostly just switched “alcohol and drugs” to “chocolate and popcorn.” And yes, I have a weight problem. I have a me problem.
But at least, today, I have a choice.