Nobody Else Does This To Me!
Having Dylan home for the holidays was supposed to be wonderful. Instead, we started arguing on the very first day. We argued on the second day, too. And the third.
At the end of every (ridiculously emotional, drawn-out) argument, we both realized that we were only arguing because we were too much alike, and that we both just wanted to hang out peacefully. We just couldn’t seem to make it happen.
The other people in the family weren’t affected. Just me.
By the fifth day, during a particularly emotional moment, Dylan screeched: “Nobody else does this to me!”
Nobody else tells him he should be on time or work on his resume. Nobody else tells him to eat, PLEASE EAT, when he hasn’t had a bite in seven hours. Nobody else tells him to get out of his darkened bedroom after 17 hours. Nobody else tells him what he should be doing next, or reminds him that he hasn’t done what he said he was going to do.
And I was forced to admit: “You’re right.”
Of course nobody else does this to him. Nobody else is his mother.
But I don’t have to be like this. I don’t have to say anything at all. So I wrote him a nice, long letter, reminding him that I’m his mother and that this is how I’ve been with him for 19 years. That this is just who I am, that I like to plan ahead, that I am trying to help.
He hates when I try to help.
I also told him that I would do my best to not badger him, and that he is welcome to live however he likes. I was fine with him sleeping for the first week of his (three-week) visit. But I would also like to see him, to spend time with him, to be with him – preferably without his cell phone in his hands, distracting him, as it always does.
A few days went by, including Dylan’s 19th birthday, and we had a lot of good, upbeat, quality time together. But we also had all that tough stuff to get through.
So when it was his last day to spend at home alone with me, and he still hadn’t done his Christmas shopping, I texted him about – at least – getting Shane’s gift today, since today is Shane’s last day of school before winter break. And, surprisingly, Dylan agreed to go and shop.
Only then did I recognize the error of my ways. So I texted him:
I am reminding you to shop because you forgot to shop and now you are going to shop. Does this mean I was right to remind you, or am I being a bother again?
Dylan responded:
I was actually thinking earlier today that I should shop either today or tomorrow. I didn’t forget.
Several minutes went by. There were about two hours left before Dylan was supposed to pick up Shane at school and take him out for ice cream (also arranged by me). Fifteen minutes later, the badgering started.
I just want you to be back in time to pick up Shane from school.
and (several more minutes later)
You really only have two hours to shop and eat lunch today. Is that going to be enough time?
Then I stopped badgering. ANOTHER fifteen minutes went by, and then Dylan left – taking my car – and went shopping.
I am sad to admit it, but I think it will be okay when Dylan goes back to college. I love him so, so much. And he is much happier without me.