My Job is to NOT Reassure Him.
When Dylan was diagnosed with ADHD, I did one thing well: research.
I had no idea what I was dealing with, so I scoured the internet for everything I could find on ADHD. I went to meetings of the local CHADD chapter. I read every library book I could find, and bought the ones I couldn’t find. I studied Celebrate Calm techniques for years, trying to understand how to function with an ADHD kid in the house. I even signed up Dylan for an ADHD brain study at the National Institutes of Health.
When Shane was diagnosed with OCD, I felt much calmer.
I went straight to the computer. Within ten minutes, I discovered the most effective treatment for OCD, which is – according to all the experts – Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). Twenty minutes after that, I had a list of all the therapists in the county who provided ERP therapy; three of them even took our insurance. I emailed all three of them (at 11:00 at night) and then waited for a response.
I got one the next day. Two of the three therapists didn’t respond, so we went to the in-network therapist who did respond. As frustrating as it was that the other two didn’t answer, I think this was a sign from God. This therapist was also the only male who took our insurance. He seems to know what he’s doing, and Shane likes him.
But I am not a part of Shane’s treatment.
There is no “Celebrate Calm” for OCD parents. There is an International OCD Foundation, but support groups are not very active. And OCD is something I already understand, since I frequently think the same way Shane does. So I have nothing to do.
In fact, after Shane’s first therapy session, Shane said that my job is to NOT reassure him whenever he feels like he needs reassurance.
What kind of job is that for a mom?
In other words, one day Shane opened up and told me he needed me. A few days later, he started therapy and I had to back off.
This isn’t the type of hands-on care with which I am comfortable. Dylan may not have needed reassurance, but he sure did need help. For 18 years, I’ve been helping and helping and helping!
Shane needs nothing more than a ride to therapy.
I am realizing – slowly and sadly – that Shane’s OCD briefly gave me an opportunity to feel needed, to delve into a disorder again so I could “help” him. But I can’t help.
Or rather, I can help – by doing nothing.
So I read a book – a memoir about OCD called Because We Are Bad, by Lily Bailey. And then I asked Shane questions – mostly: “Does this happen to you?”
What I’ve learned is that OCD experiences vary widely. But it is the debilitation factor that makes people with OCD seek help. Maybe I have obsessive thoughts, but I have found a way to conquer my compulsions.
And that’s a good thing.
For Shane, I think, we’ve caught his OCD before it becomes so debilitating that he could become dysfunctional. And after reading Because We Are Bad, I think the “early” catch is entirely thanks to Shane telling us about his issues.
Author Lily Bailey chose to keep her OCD a secret. She wanted to appear “perfect,” but her thoughts and compulsions nearly drove her mad.
I’ve heard that we are only as sick as our secrets, so I am thrilled that Shane was able to talk to us – even if it means I have absolutely nothing to do.