It’s Letting Go of Control.
Today, Shane flies off to Chicago for four days – without me.
He’s going with my parents, so he couldn’t be in better hands. (Actually, he’s probably better off with them than with me.) But all of my anxieties are hitting me full-force, with vengeance.
I’m not worried about whether or not he has everything he needs. He does. I’m not worried about him making it to the plane on time. He will. I’m not even worried about him getting sick, or being unhappy, or not having a good time. He won’t get sick, or be unhappy, and he will have a good time.
My anxieties go right for the jugular. I’m worried that the plane is going to crash.
I don’t need to go into the horrific details that come to mind with a plane crash. Everyone who has ever been afraid of anything knows what it’s like to fear. My fears are never small. They leap right past “I have a cold” to “I’m going to die.”
This isn’t the first time it’s happened. As a matter of fact, it happens every single time I’ve taken a trip, or my kids have taken a trip, since they were born. (Before that, I apparently didn’t care that I might die.)
It doesn’t matter if we are driving or flying – although I know that flying is safer than driving. What matters is, someone is going away. I have tremendous abandonment issues.
What if they don’t come back? What if he doesn’t come back?
Some of this is my protective mom’s instinct, I suppose. But most of it is just plain fear. I’ve heard that fear and faith can’t coexist – and have found that to be true.
So what am I so afraid of, really? I’m afraid that I can’t control the uncontrollable.
So it’s a justified fear.
For a control freak like me, this can cause great anxiety. I can’t control anything really, but I always run around with the illusion that I can. So sending my baby on a plane trip is the antithesis of control.
It’s letting go of control.
And that is very, very hard for me to do.
But today, since my baby is still home and I have several hours to spend with him before he flies away forever (or for four days), I am going to make the most of our time together. I am going to be with him, and play with him, and love him for every moment of the day.
I suppose in that way, it’s like any other day – or at least, I try to do that each day. Sometimes I slack off and spend the whole day on the computer. Those are the days when I go to bed thinking, Wow, what a wasted day. I could have spent time with my kids.
So today, I am going to spend time with my kids. And I am letting go of the illusion of control. Just for one day. So the anxieties won’t eat me alive, and my whole world will be just a little brighter.