It Was Like Throwing Him Into a Snake Pit.
Eventually, we are going to have to deal with the extremely significant question looming on the sidelines, waiting for an answer.
What about Shane?
Shane starts middle school in one year. When Dylan started middle school, it was like throwing him into a pit of snakes. While some of them were harmless, many of them bit him. Most of them were poisonous.
Shane is currently happy in his public elementary school, with his little group of friends – who are wonderful – and the teachers who are incredibly kind.
He has an option to apply for the public gifted program. Shane wasn’t accepted into the elementary school gifted program, but he has skills and interests that might make him eligible for the middle school’s gifted program. If he gets in, it might be wonderful for him… except that it would mean an hour-long bus ride, both ways, to get there and home.
The public school also has a magnet program, for kids interested in aerospace, computers and/or the performing arts. We went through the process of learning about these programs when Dylan was in fifth grade – and he was accepted into the magnet program for performing arts.
But Dylan decided he would rather go to the school where most of his friends were going – his home school. The snake pit.
And that’s where Shane says he wants to go. Shane is willingly and knowingly requesting the snake pit.
He doesn’t want an hour-long bus ride, and he’s not interested in aerospace or computers. And while performing arts holds some interest for him – he likes taking acting classes – he really wants to be a magician. There are no public middle schools for magic.
To be fair, all middle schools are snake pits. Even Dylan’s Quaker-value-filled middle school still has middle school students. The students are the snakes. They are learning to find themselves, trying to figure out who they are in relation to others, and trying to “fit in” and “stand out” all at the same time.
Middle school isn’t going to be good, no matter what happens.
But what if Dylan’s school is really as good as we believe it will be? What if it’s so good, in fact, that we want Shane to go there, too?
How the heck are we supposed to afford the tuition for two kids?
So. We will research our options in depth, but it looks like it’s the snake pit for Shane.
Shane is laid back, knows the system, follows the rules. He gets his work done, turns it in on time, knows what’s due and when. He may really enjoy the nuances of having seven classes in one day, with seven teachers and all the different kids in his class.
He won’t enjoy the crowded hallways, the swearing, the pushing, the punching, the malicious ways students invent to hurt people.
They will hurt him, and I know it. But I think he can survive, so we will probably keep him in public school, and see how he does.
Does this mean I’m a terrible mom?
Mario seemed to fair pretty well in middle school. I fretted too because he is so quite, but somehow he fit in and survived, actually thrived. I was astonished at the 8th grade award ceremony when Mario’s name was called the kids gave him a round of applause (this was after the Principal asked all parents to hold applause until the end). Yes our quite little/ not so little anymore handsome(I’m a little biased) boy walked up to accept his awards to the sound of his classmates clapping for him, I nearly cried. You just never know what setting is going to cause your sprout to bloom and grow, but I am here to say that middle school did not stunt Mario’s progress in any way. I’m just saying Shane may have a completely different experience than Dylan did and he may shine in middle school, you just never know.
You know I mean QUIET, right? Quite makes no sense at all…
I knew you meant ‘quiet,’ yes! And I would have been sobbing in the audience if someone gave my boy an award AND the kids had clapped for him! Now that you mention it, Dylan sang a solo in 6th grade and the kids from his old school (not the GT program) who recognized him said, ‘Hey! It’s Dylan!’ and they all cheered before he even started to sing. And I did, indeed, cry.
I’m so glad your boy had a great experience. And you are totally right – he’s an incredibly handsome young man. Of course, how could he NOT be handsome with parents like you? 🙂
I’ve never known anyone better with kids of all ages. You are doing great.
Thank you!
What’s so terrible? Let’s review: 1. You are concerned about your kids. 2. You know them well enough to know they’re unique. 3. You’ve talked it through with them. 4. Everyone’s on board with the decision. Hmmm, I would say you’re anything but a terrible mom. I wish there were more moms like you. Maybe then we’d have fewer snakes.
Bob, your reassurance is tremendously comforting. I’m doing my best – and will continue. I’ll get your baby home to you in a few minutes, too. 🙂
I just have comment… I understand that Middle school was a “snake pit” for you. That was your experience, and you’ve felt/seen that it was Dylan’s experience. You expect for it to be Shane’s experience, too. But please know that it’s just not everyone’s experience, and to be sure, not all middle schoolers are snakes. I know that you know this on some level, but it’s so hard NOT to see our kids experiences through our own lens that sometimes we see snakes where there are just a bunch of kids, all trying to fit in and navigate the world around them.
Sorry, I didn’t mean that ALL middle schoolers are snakes. I just meant that it’s the kids who hurt the other kids, not the teachers or the classes or the staff that cause the angst. In spite of my analogy, I totally understand that they are all just a bunch of kids trying to fit in and navigate the world. It is painfully obvious, from Moment #1 of middle school, that that’s exactly what middle school is about. I sure hope Shane has a better experience than Dylan (and I) did. But I’ve yet to find another parent whose child is happy with the experience. I hope you are the first!
I don’t think our experience will be perfect, but I think in general, going in assuming it will be like throwing him to the wolves doesn’t necessarily set either of you up to see as much good as bad, that’s all.
We didn’t go IN this way, but we sure are coming out feeling the wrath of snakes and wolves. We went in after two fantastic years in a GT program and chose the school because so many of his GT friends chose it, too. One of his close ‘friends’ turned into a bully in less than 2 months (and gave Dylan the brunt of his anger) and another ‘friend’ started treating Dylan like dirt by month 3. These were kids he adored, who’d been to our house, and everyone got along great in 5th grade. So Dylan joined STEM to reconnect – and was bullied almost out of his group. Were there good days, to increase my optimism? Um, actually … no. Field trips often went well for Dylan, but not always. So these blogs are not entirely based on my horrid middle school experience; they are based on Dylan’s. I hope you fare WAY better – and I hope Shane does, too!