I Was Only Trying to Help.
My stepson, Chris, is 23 years old. His brain works a lot like Bill’s, and like Dylan’s. In spite of this, he managed to not only succeed in school, but to graduate with exceptional grades from a college honors program.
So he’s been a great advocate for Dylan – especially when defending Dylan against me.
I mentioned something to him about my blog, and asked if he was still reading it.
“Yeah,” he said, “and not to be offensive, but I’m getting tired of all the negativity.”
“What negativity?” I asked, actually not understanding.
Chris then went into a ten-minute lecture on the virtues of encouraging Dylan, rather than constantly criticizing him. He explained that I needed to make sure that the positive things I say to Dylan far outweigh the negative things. He told me that what Dylan was hearing was an inevitability of failure, rather than a way to succeed.
Everything Chris said, I knew. I know. There is nothing that he said that I hadn’t either read somewhere, heard somewhere, or learned on my own and tried to practice.
Yet, the words that came out of my mouth in response to Chris’ advice were defensive. I’d done the things Chris said, but I wasn’t still doing them. And I tried to explain why I wasn’t still doing them. In fact, I’d run through so many things in trying to help Dylan that my inconsistency in being positive was the only thing that was still overwhelming my behaviors.
Chris also said that I should let him fail. He said I swooped in and saved Dylan every time something happened. That I was still dealing with the teachers, reminding Dylan what to do, giving Dylan everything he needed instead of letting him get it on his own.
I heard myself saying, “Yeah, but…” and “Well the reason I did that was…” and “I only do that because…”
My mouth was moving, and the excuses were pouring out, but my head was screaming, YEAH, BUT…?!? These are all excuses! You ARE doing it all wrong!
And later, after asking Chris’ permission to mention him – and his advice – in my blog, I was thinking: Why don’t I stay positive? What have I been doing instead?
And I realized the sad inevitability: I did what I thought was right. But I made it worse. All of my interventions and attempts to force my child to succeed were actually keeping him from succeeding.
At one point, I read an entire book that told me – quite specifically – not to do any of these things. And somehow I forgot all of that wisdom, and started back on this path.
And all I can think now is: I was only trying to help.