I Wanted To Choose.
I am planning a vacation. This is exciting not because we are going somewhere great – because we’re not. It’s exciting because I finally have something to plan!
Thanks to the pandemic, I’ve learned that I prefer planning trips to actually taking trips. I have more fun choosing where to go than actually going there. I have more fun finding choices of restaurants than actually eating. I have more fun deciding what activities we might do than actually doing any of those activities. And while I do – quite thoroughly – enjoy every vacation, I can hardly wait to get home and plan another one.
Lately I have noticed that this “prefer-to-plan” attitude also spills over into the rest of my life.
For example, I recently stood in line for nearly an hour for some of my favorite ice cream at Bruster’s. I have some issues with food, of course, which means that sometimes I limit myself to dairy-free ice cream, sugar-free ice cream and (always now) gluten-free ice cream. But on this particular night, given that the line of people waiting masked-up in the parking lot was so long, I decided to just get whatever I want.
I immediately nixed all the flavors with gluten because, really, gluten makes me really sick. “Whatever I want” included not wanting to get sick. So I had to eliminate the flavors with cookie dough, vanilla wafers, pretzels, eclairs, shortcake, brownie bites, sugar cookies, pie crust pieces, cheesecake, Twix, “krispies,” Oreos and graham crackers. Caramel, too, has gluten – so that was out, and caramel is in a lot of flavors.
Taking out the glutenous ice cream left me with about a hundred flavor choices.
Fortunately, I had a ton of time to decide, since the line was a mile long. I stared and stared at the list. I thought and thought about what I wanted. I picked something, then changed my mind, then decided to get two different flavors and decided I didn’t want any of the choices I’d already made. Then I decided on two new options, eliminated both of those, decided on one from my original list and one from my new list, and then remembered that my favorite flavor was my favorite for a reason.
When I finally settled on two flavors – which I now don’t recall – I decided that I liked those flavors so much that I didn’t even require hot fudge. But then when everyone else in the family was getting hot fudge, I wanted hot fudge, too. So I got a little cup of hot fudge on the side.
When we finally settled in the car (socially distancing from the other patrons), I picked up my spoon. My ice cream looked delicious, but I didn’t really want it.
I was very happy with the flavors I’d chosen, and I took several bites. It was tasty. But I was actually happier to eat the hot fudge out of the little cup because, well, I like hot fudge more than anything.
There was nothing wrong with the ice cream, but I didn’t finish it. After an hour deciding what I “wanted,” my work was done. Because what I actually wanted was to pick my favorite flavors. I wanted to choose, but I didn’t really want to eat.
I’m not sure this is the best way to be, but knowing that I am this way makes my life a bit easier. Many people find me to be odd. I’m okay with that, and also I understand it. I like my oddities.