I Still Wish I Had Done More With Less.
Writing about Loki’s privileged life reminded me that I got a second chance with my dog. I’m able to do things with Loki that I never did with Xena. I wish I had done things differently with Xena, that I had treated her better, that I had complained less, that I had spent more time just with her. But having Loki now has shown me that I can do more, that I can be better, kinder, more loving.
Which is why now, I’m thinking about my kids. I don’t get a re-do with my kids. I would never want different kids – I am extremely happy with the ones I got – but I could have done better with them.
I realized that there are very few things I would change, if I ever could. Still, there are a few.
If I were able to do it all over again…
- I would yell less. In fact, I would yell not at all. Since I tried not to yell for the past 20 years and failed, I can’t imagine how I would stop the yelling. But I would give it everything I had. Again.
- I would take more videos and, as I finished each VHSC/DVD/whatever-format video, I would LABEL IT. That alone would have made a huge difference in my attitude now. I feel like I filmed them for 20 years and have absolutely no way to watch the videos.
- I would recognize the difference between a “small” thing and a “big” thing when deciding what to share with my children. Anything that has to do with housework is a “small” thing. Anything that has to do with being kind to others is a “big” thing. I wish I’d let the small things go.
That’s it.
Because of my food issues – and the fact that I feel 7000 times better now than I did five years ago – I can look back and see that I was sick. I was tired and hungry frequently, if not every single moment of every day. I didn’t eat properly and I felt like crap.
Lots of moms feel that way, I’m sure. In addition, my thyroid attacked and killed what was left of my enthusiasm for life, right around the time my kids reached their pre-teen years. At one point, I needed to nap as much as I needed to breathe. I was wiped out by my own body.
It isn’t so much of an excuse as it is an understanding. At the time, I believed everything I did was the right thing to do. I tried. I really, really, really tried. But I yelled, I didn’t label tapes, and I harped on my children for teeny tiny idiotic things.
I still wish I had done more with less. So I failed. As we all do, as humans, I failed.
But other than labeling the videos – (why didn’t I label everything?????) – I doubt there is anything I really could have changed, especially not given my physical condition. It’s not an excuse – but I sure don’t feel like yelling as much since I got my imbalances more … balanced.
There is nothing I can do to change the past. And I am still trying. I will continue to try. Until my dying day, I will not give up trying to be the best mom I can be.
Even if that will not save them from their problems, and even if it will never be good enough.