I Love Donny Osmond.
I am not cool.
But admitting that is nothing in comparison to this confession: I love Donny Osmond.
Let me back up to say: this is not a leftover crush from my childhood years. In fact, when the rest of the world was swooning over Donny, I preferred his little brother, Jimmy, who had freckles and bangs. Also, I reasoned at the ripe old age of 8, I was much more likely to marry Jimmy Osmond because he was closer to my own age. (He was 9.)
I sang along to every Donny Osmond song released between 1972 and 1976. I learned every lyric while staring at his puppy-dog eyes and trying to get my hair to whisk across my forehead like his.
I created dances for Yo Yo and Down By the Lazy River, and wailed internally through Sweet and Innocent and Go Away Little Girl. I believed Donny was actually the Last of the Red Hot Lovers, even though I had no idea what that meant.
These songs still wake up my psyche, even after 45 years.
I watched Donny & Marie on TV but got to middle school and mostly forgot about Donny. In 1989, long after he’d disappeared from my life, I heard a song called Soldier of Love on the radio – and was dumbfounded when the DJ said Donny was singing.
I recognized Donny’s voice instantly in Disney’s Mulan. I heard he did some musicals, but never saw any.
When, finally, I did see Donny live, and Donny and Marie live twice, I claimed that these concerts were a “gift” for my mentally challenged sister-in-law. She has no idea that the world has moved on since Donny & Marie was the hottest show on TV. She lives in TV Land.
But I got a glimmer of the true Osmond talent at those concerts.
I started to pay attention to Donny’s career, realizing that he suddenly seemed to be everywhere. His face was all over Las Vegas when we vacationed there. He appeared in College Road Trip, the funniest character in the movie. He made fun of himself – something he does beautifully – in Weird Al’s White and Nerdy. He won first place on Dancing With The Stars. He came in second on The Masked Singer (where I also recognized his voice). His talent is tenacious.
This year, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, Donny released Who, a pop song that I’ve only heard while watching the official video. He sings his own backup and harmony vocals. The old Osmond dance style is as strong as ever. But I can’t just listen; I have to watch.
Donny – the consummate Mormon, at the age of 63 – is oozing sex appeal. He is the hottest I have ever seen him, 100% on fire. I cannot understand how there hasn’t been a sudden and forceful uprising of old women, rushing out of their retirement homes to scream and cry under Donny’s window sill. After watching this video, it is irrelevant that he has twelve grandchildren.
I watch this man – the same one whose eyes I adored 50 years ago while planning to marry his little brother – and I can only think: WOW.
So it’s time for me to read his book – something that will likely contradict every Tiger Beat interview I ever read. The last book I read about Donny was purchased through my school’s Scholastic book fair, so I think it’s time I read another one.
I will never, ever, ever be cool.