I Am Still A Work In Progress.
Once I realized that I would never beat alcohol, I had to learn to live without it. Since I’d already tried doing things my way – which never worked – I started doing what AA suggested.
This was different than just listening to AA stories. This meant I had to be honest about how I really felt. I had do things that made me uncomfortable. I had to learn how to live in a world where I did not fit instead of trying to isolate behind a mask.
In other words, I had to get a whole new life.
The first thing I needed to know is that being popular is overrated. Ever since Mindy Ford sent me a really mean Valentine in the fourth grade, I spent a great deal of time trying to force people to like me. So when my first AA sponsor didn’t understand my quirks in 1992, it devastated me.
But I learned to talk to people in AA about my devastation, and I learned to listen to what other people said. Not everyone understands me. Not everyone cares to live by The Golden Rule, which has been my beacon on my sobriety journey.
But “not everyone” is different than “no one.”
This means I am not actually alone. I’d so wanted everyone to like me that I’d been willing to decapitate myself if it meant fitting in. I’d wanted to be liked more than I’d wanted to be myself.
Being me is both easier and harder than pretending to be someone who can fit in everywhere.
And it can be hard to figure out who likes me for who I really am. I’m quiet; sometimes people literally can’t hear me. My jokes are bone dry and often go right over people’s heads.
It also took time to recognize that I was (key word: was) smart, attractive and funny – in a certain, non-traditional way. I’m not nearly as repulsive as I’d imagined.
Still, it was unexpectedly challenging to learn how to live life. I wanted to follow my dreams and passions. I didn’t know how to choose a bar of soap or maintain a car. I didn’t know the necessary etiquette for office banter, parties, weddings, or funerals.
Life is hard. And I wanted to live, rather than just survive.
In other words, I needed to decide what was important to me, what mattered most in life, and then figure out how to make those things happen. I didn’t need to just find a man and settle down. I needed to find me and do things.
This is how I started discovering what I call “signs from God.” If I listed all the things I labeled “signs,” no one would believe in them. But after the shooting star in England, I knew signs existed; I just had to pray – then watch and listen. I found my answers in books, in meetings, on the radio, in the sky, on highways, in forests – virtually everywhere.
I still do. Lest anyone think I am insane, I keep them to myself mostly. But I use signs to make decisions and I pray every day. I still don’t appreciate religion or church; I am not even wild about the term “higher power.”
But believing sincerely helps.
To me, God doesn’t fit into a box, just like I don’t fit into a box. God is a profound human concept. Mine takes care of everyone. And that works for me.
I am still a work in progress. But after all this time, being me without alcohol or drugs feels okay. Often I feel loved.