Brilliant … But Bouncy

I Am an Addict and an Alcoholic.

It’s been a long time since I started writing this blog. Dylan was in middle school, Shane in elementary, and both are now in college. So it’s been about nine years. In all that time, I tried to concentrate my efforts on writing about parenting and my experiences living with children with learning differences. I thought it would be helpful for other parents to hear about my ongoing struggles since both boys have issues.

But so do I.

With my empty nest looming and my site renewal complete for another three years, I am once again faced with a decision: do I keep this blog going? And if so, do I keep rambling about whatever is on my mind?

The thing is: my kids are the same age now as I was when I was terrorizing the household as a full-fledged alcoholic. So I have been thinking a lot about that. I think about what my parents survived, what I did to them, and what happened to me. I think it’s amazing that any of us got out of it alive.

I am an addict and an alcoholic; the terms, for me, are interchangeable.

Having just celebrated my 30th year of sobriety, it’s hard not to look back. At the same time, I realize that most people – probably 90% of the world’s population, actually – don’t have a drinking problem, and therefore don’t understand what it’s like to be an addict. Alcoholics and addicts are generally viewed as weak, sad troublemakers who should be able to control themselves.

Most importantly, even in active addiction, addicts are expected to stop hurting the people who love us. And I bet that there’s not a single addict in the world who doesn’t want to stop hurting people. But most of us don’t know how. We hurt other people without intent; we only hurt ourselves intentionally.

Most addicts haven’t figured out a new way to live – and denial in active addiction is powerful stuff.

Non-alcoholics generally believe that if they say the right thing, do the right thing, act the right way, live in the right place, spend more (or less) time with, or simply give more to someone in the throes of addiction, it will help an addict to recover.

In fact, it’s the complete opposite: no addict can recover as long as someone is trying to help. Every little thing done to “help” enables the addict to keep going, to keep believing that life can stay comfortable and sane in spite of the chaos they’re creating.

Basically, I had to be dropped on my head in order to get clean. It was the only way. It is the only way.

Of course, it’s only my story that I can tell; the rest of the world’s addicts will have to tell their own. So rather than randomly shift the focus of my blog from parenting to blabbering about my opinions, I thought I might give my six devoted readers some insight into what’s coming next. I plan to blog, now, about my alcoholism, addiction and recovery.

I am also giving my parents (two of my six devoted readers) a chance to run away, quickly, so as not to relive – or inspect – my alcoholism in this way. It wasn’t pretty. But I plan to blog about it and hope that it helps someone, somewhere.

I know it will help me. I’ve always thought I should write a book about my life, but I don’t have nearly enough self-discipline. So here goes: blog shift! I hope it works out okay.