He’s Just Trying to Do His Own Thing.
Once, when Dylan was a toddler, he wandered off. I was getting dressed in the bedroom, chatting on the phone with my mom about all the cute things he did, when I realized Dylan was gone.
We lived in a tiny ranch style house, and I searched it very quickly – Dylan was nowhere to be found. I screamed something at my mom and threw the phone across the room. I looked out the windows – no Dylan. I was in an absolute panic when I saw a tiny red-headed dot in the distance – across the alley way and well past the neighbor’s house. I raced outside, screaming.
“DYLAN!” I screeched, running hysterically to catch him. “DYLAN!”
He turned around and looked at me, as I raced hysterically across the neighbor’s yard. Dylan had put on his black leather jacket over his pajamas – upside down. He was barefoot and carrying a large load of pastel sidewalk chalk.
I scooped him up and headed for home. “What were you doing?” I asked, trying to control my hysteria.
“I wanted to color,” he said.
“You need Mommy to go with you if you leave, okay?” I pleaded. “And you need to stay in our yard. Why didn’t you draw on our sidewalk?”
“There were too many leaves,” he said. Indeed, it was autumn – and our sidewalk was completely covered in leaves. Dylan had wandered off searching for a sidewalk to color.
Before my heart had even stopped racing, I took a picture of him, upside-down coat and all. I knew this day was going to stick with me – and I was immeasurably glad to have him home safely.
Twelve years passed.
During those years, Dylan hid from me in clothing racks. He ate cookies he had been forbidden to eat. He was reprimanded countless times in school for rambunctious behavior. He went for long walks with his cell phone, not bothering to answer my texts or phone calls. And he kicked a kid in the groin and got suspended.
He’s actually a good kid. I know he’s a good kid. He’s just trying to do his own thing – same as always – just like when he was a kid with an armload of sidewalk chalk.
I try desperately to believe he’ll do the right thing. His heart has always been in the right place. He’s doing so much right – and trying so hard – that typical teenage behavior feels deeper, somehow, and more painful than it should feel.
Maybe it’s me – my past catching up with me, the issues with which I need to deal, slapping me in the face.
For now, I’m concentrating on today only – and I’m glad he’s safe, and healthy. And hopefully, soon, he will also be happy.