I Miss Her.
If I had it to do over again, there are a few things I’d do differently with my first dog.
First of all, I would not spend the first five years of my new dog’s life whining that she wasn’t the right breed. I compromised with my family – something I rarely do – and got a small dog (who actually turned out to be medium-sized). I wanted a big dog my whole life, and I didn’t get one.
I also got a cava-chon, not a doodle. My first dog wasn’t a poodle mix (doodle) and I really wanted a doodle. I complained endlessly. I have a doodle now, and I can say in all honesty: I was an idiot. It didn’t matter that her hair wasn’t curly; she was the best dog in the world.
Second, I would feed my dog anything she wanted. It wouldn’t matter if she vomited up everything, which she did, and refused to eat her dry food, which she also did. I would pay the $2.25 per can for the chicken she liked, and I would give it to her every day for her whole life. And if she stopped liking that chicken, I would buy her whatever else she liked, no matter the cost.
Third, I would take her for walks all the time. I would take her early in the morning and late at night, and I would take her in the rain and snow. She loved walks, but I only took her for a few short walks a week. Instead, I sat at the computer with her under my feet, and complained that she was in my way when I moved my chair.
What I wouldn’t give to have her under my feet now.
Finally, I would take more videos of her – just her – so that when she left me, I would be able to look back and watch. She’s in 10 years worth of videos – waddling toward the camera, or a dot in the distance – but she was rarely the focal point.
My videos of her running through the fields, for example, are rare. I have no videos of her bringing me a toy during family game time. I have no videos of her running to get her stick when we came home from the store. I have no videos of her sitting quietly on a chair, tail thumping as I approached.
I don’t have videos of her just being her. And now that she’s gone, still photos just aren’t enough. I miss her. I want to be with her, and she’s just not here. When no one’s around, I still cry. A lot.
Sometimes I think it’s unfair that I treat my new dog so much better than I treated my first dog. He has a completely different personality; he doesn’t try so hard to please me. He gets everything he wants and needs – everything she wanted and needed – by sheer luck of being our second dog. He didn’t really earn it.
But I’m not going to make the same mistakes with him. I’m not going to blame him for not being her. And I’m going to treat him the way I should have always treated her, whether he deserves it or not.
And I’m going to take videos of his whole life, even if it seems boring. Because someday, I will treasure those videos. And I will watch them and cry – and laugh – and love them, the same way I do now with the tiny handful of videos I have of Xena.
I just wish I had more of her.