OHMYGOD IT’S REAL IT’S REAL
WHEN: Halloween Night
SETTING: A pitch black, windy night; the driveway is dimly lit.
The body of an evil clown is flopped lifelessly in a chair, its immense, angry eyes and garish teeth belying its intent. A full bowl of candy sits on the ground between the clown’s feet.
SCENE 1: Two 13-year-old trick-or-treaters approach the driveway
“What’s that?”
“I don’t know. It looks like a clown!”
“Is it real? I don’t want to go near it.”
“Nah, it’s not real. See?” Lifts one gloved hand, which flops back down onto the armrest
“Did it move? I think it’s real.”
“No way!” Stares hard into clown’s face which is solid and still; lifts the hand, which flops again
“Wait, stay there. I want to get your picture with it!”
Trick-or-treater puts arm around back of clown’s chair and smiles; second trick-or-treater takes a quick photo with cell phone
“Hey! Look at this candy! There are huge bars in here!”
“I don’t want to go near it; it’s creepy. Get me a couple.”
Trick-or-treater squats down to reach into bowl, grabs a handful of full-sized candy bars; the clown’s head shifts slowly toward the squatter by the bowl
“TAKE ONE”
Trick-or-treater leaps to his feet, screaming, dropping candy bars
“Wait, maybe that was, like, a recorded message or something!” Stares at clown’s face again, still unmoving
A huge gust of wind blows, causing hundreds of leaves to fly at the trick-or-treaters; the clown’s body flops and rolls out of its chair and into the yard next to the driveway
“See? I told you! It’s not even real! What kind do you want?” Starts to pick up dropped candy bars from driveway
“I SAID TAKE ONE!” The clown suddenly rises from the grass and starts walking toward the trick-or-treaters, who throw the excess candy back into the bowl and run screaming up the sidewalk; one boldly snaps a photo from a safe distance.
SCENE 2: A large group of children, teenagers and adults approach the clown, who has now flopped lifelessly into his chair again
“Oh. My. God. Look at that!” Two teenagers approach the clown; a terrified youngster grabs a mother’s hand
“Don’t touch it!”
“Why not? It’s not even real!” Takes a tentative step toward the candy bowl
“There’s a banana in here!” Three kids step a little closer
“And there’s candy, too!” A teenager looks closely at the clown’s face, and reaches out a hand to touch his arm
“Seriously! Don’t touch it!” Takes two steps backward
“Well they want us to take the candy or it wouldn’t be here.”
“Yeah but I don’t want to go near it.”
“I just touched the arm. It’s not even real!” Five kids encircle the clown; the adults and younger children stay near the street; one adult films on his cell phone
“Well it looks real. Grab the banana and see what happens.” Tiptoes to the bowl, grabs a banana, then nearly dances backward, away from the clown, holding a banana above his head.
“Grab me a candy bar!”
“Yeah, get me one!”
“No! You grab it!”
“I’ll just take the whole bowl!” Steps forward and reaches down toward the bowl
The clown stands up.
Entire group erupts in high-pitched screeching; cell phone filming stops; children race for the sidewalk; kids look at each other, scream, run, jump around; the clown stands still in the driveway
“OH MY GOD IT’S REAL IT’S REAL!”
Trying to be brave, two tiptoe back to see test their bravery; one speaks breathlessly:
“Excuse me, Mr. Clown? Could I have a candy bar?”
The clown takes a step toward the teen, who screams again and runs. Another dashes behind the clown and stretches, reaching into the bowl, grabbing a handful of candy, then runs for the sidewalk. The clown takes another step toward the crowd, and they flee, screaming, cavorting, laughing.
The clown sits back down in the chair. Within moments, another group rounds the corner … with no idea what awaits.
EPILOGUE: From inside the garage door, I clutch my gut with almost painful, silent laughter. Whereas I once dreaded Halloween, Shane now makes this night an absolute delight.