What’s Your Drug of Choice?
My parents drove me to Gateway Rehabilitation Center and walked me inside. They reminded me to take things like a toothbrush and deodorant then dropped me off, certainly breathing a sigh of relief that I’d be safe.
I was ushered upstairs alone, a full grown adult who needed to be rehabilitated. They searched everything I brought, tossing out my matches and putting my cigarettes elsewhere. I’d have to ask to smoke.
A woman checked my height, weight and blood pressure. Then she sat down with a paper and asked me some questions.
“How old are you?”
“Twenty-four.”
“What’s your drug of choice?”
“My drug of choice? You mean which one do I like the most?”
The woman looked up from her papers. She seemed to think I was kidding, but I had no idea what she was asking me. It took her a minute to realize I was serious.
“I just read the questions. What is your drug of choice?”
“Well I like cocaine the best,” I said. “But I don’t have enough money to do cocaine. Oh! I love LSD. So I guess LSD was my favorite.”
She stared at me, paused, then wrote something on her paper. “Do you use any other drugs?”
“Well I tried opium, but I didn’t like it. And I used to take pills when I was in high school, but I haven’t done those in years. I hated speed. Actually I used to smoke spices from my mom’s kitchen, before I smoked pot. I gave up pot for years but now I smoke pot, too.”
“Have you used crack, methamphetamine or heroin?”
“I don’t think so, but I smoked cocaine a couple of times. Is that crack?” (I was still wondering.)
“I don’t know,” she said. She scribbled something on her paper. “Do you use alcohol?”
“Oh yeah,” I said. “But I don’t count that as a drug. I thought all drugs were illegal unless they come from your doctor.” Again, I was serious.
“In here, we consider alcohol a drug.”
“Oh,” I said. “Well I drink all the time! It’s legal. And I drink less when I do drugs. I drink every day. Unless I’m working, then I drink after work. I don’t drink at my new job.” I didn’t mention the times I drank at my old jobs.
“What kind of alcohol do you drink?”
I couldn’t believe she was asking me so many fun questions. “Mostly beer,” I said. “But I don’t really even like beer.”
She looked at me again. “Any other kinds of alcohol?”
“Of course!” I said. “My favorite is kaluha! Oh, but I love blackberry brandy. And schnapps! Root beer is the best schnapps, then maybe peppermint or spearmint. And I love sloe gin, but I don’t drink it anymore. It made my stomach hurt. Do you think that’s a problem? Oh my god, rum and cokes! I drank a million rum and cokes. And vodka, but only mixed with orange juice, not tomato juice. In college I think I drank grain alcohol, but it was some kind of punch and I’m not sure what was really in it. But my favorite mixed drink is a slow comfortable screw, because I like the name. I don’t know what’s in that, though. Mostly, I just drank beer. Do you want to know what kinds of beer I like?”
“That’s okay, I have enough,” she said, pausing. Then: “Alcohol might be your drug of choice.”
“Oh no,” I said. “I like cocaine and LSD way more than alcohol.”
She blinked. “Okay, let’s get you a bed.”