What Were You Thinking?
After her tryst – or platonic moment – with The One, Bonnie and I faltered. I wanted to believe what she’d said to me, that He’d loved me, but I had been with Bonnie on countless escapades when we’d picked up guys and gone back together to their rooms, homes or hotels.
I couldn’t really trust that she hadn’t slept with The Love of My Life, particularly since I’d once slept with the love of her life. If I’d done that to her, why wouldn’t she do that to me?
But what bothered me most was her willingness to walk out the door with Him, leaving The Hood while I watched the two of them go. She’d known me for two years, known that I watched Him constantly to see what He was doing, who was making Him laugh, when He was leaving – and with whom He left. So she knew I watched her go, with Him, and she didn’t care.
Worse yet, Bonnie had the audacity to confront me with the truth.
“How could you do that to me?” I wailed, even after we’d both thought the incident was behind us.
“I didn’t do it to you,” she said. “I did it for you. I wanted to know what made him tick.”
“But you know I love Him more than anyone else in the whole world!” I cried. “What were you thinking?”
Bonnie took only a small beat before answering. “I was thinking you had Larry,” she said. “And it didn’t matter who I fuckin’ went home with at Mount Union. Since you moved in with Larry, we haven’t exactly been doing everything together. When you’re with Larry, you’re not with me or anybody else.”
I’d been living with Larry for nearly a year and this was the first time Bonnie had mentioned that, along the way, I’d kind of deserted her.
I considered this thought.
First and foremost, while Larry was technically my boyfriend, he wasn’t someone who interested me, someone to whom I felt loyal, or someone who was going to grow old with me. He was already old, for one thing. For another, my interests were in men my own age, preferably ones with brains, and I rarely considered that I was “cheating on” Larry when I was just doing the same things I’d always done.
Larry was my protector, my rock star, my lifeline. He was the person who took care of me when my parents stopped. I didn’t once consider that I might want to take care of myself. I didn’t know how – and I didn’t want to expend the effort it would take to care for myself.
So the fact that I had ditched my best friend to be with a man had never occurred to me. I didn’t decide to be with a man; I decided to get away from my parents.
And Bonnie was still my best friend.
“But I would rather be with you,” I said. “I would always rather be with you!”
Eventually we were both crying and hugging and declaring our undying love for one another. And eventually we drove the truck through the drive-thru for beer, and started drinking again.
Soon after, Bonnie attached herself to a guy named Tony – a nerdy freshman with a penchant for pot – and she only wanted to be with him. I didn’t understand the attraction, and I found myself not only jealous, but dissed – even when Tony, Bonnie, Larry and I went out together.
That’s when I finally understood what she was saying. I’d traded in my best friend for a guy.