Brilliant … But Bouncy

Why Are You Telling Me This?

Drinking excessive alcohol started to cause weird, unexpected occurrences in my life.

For one thing, people started asking me about parties. Like everyone else, I picked up printed flyers for frat parties and house parties, and those flyers told me where to go.

But strangers would ask, “Hey! Are there any parties this weekend?” And I would have to think: What flyer do I have? And why the heck are they asking me?

Most of the time, I would mumble, “I think there’s one at ATO…” and trail off, hoping they would be able to figure it out on their own.

One time, I was called into the Dean’s Office for planning a party.

Dean Davis – who already knew me as a “problem drinker” – said, “I want you to rethink whatever you are planning this weekend.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I said. I literally had no idea what she was talking about.

“There are to be no parties in any dorm,” she said.

“Okay,” I said. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I believe you are planning a very big event on your floor,” she said.

“I’m not,” I said, completely truthfully. “I don’t know anything about any very big event!”

The dean did not believe me.

Sometimes there were parties on my floor. I remember a kamikaze party where I got very, very sick from an overload of whatever alcohol is in a kamikaze. I never drank kamikazes again.

But the dean blamed me for some figment of her imagination. And mostly the parties happened elsewhere.

Another interesting development happened as college progressed: people started asking me – and Bonnie – if we had any drugs to sell.

At that point, both of us had given up whatever drugs we’d done in high school. We just drank a lot.

“I don’t do drugs,” I would say – meaning it.

“Right,” they’d laugh. “Well if you get any, find me.”

Get any what? I’d wonder. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be selling.

One semester, I was put on something called Social Probation.

“You will remain on Social Probation for one semester,” the letter said. “If there are any infractions during the upcoming semester, you could be suspended or expelled from college.”

“… expelled from college.”

Really?

Sure, there were rules about visitation – but I thought everyone agreed that those rules were stupid. So when someone actually turned me in for having a man in my dorm room, I was appalled. I was an adult! Why was I being treated like a child?

It didn’t matter that I couldn’t tell you the name of the guy who was in my room because, between the parties and the impromptu overnights, there were too many names to consider.

Why couldn’t people just accept my new persona and leave me alone? I’d have to spend an entire semester adhering to the rules … and hoping not to be too drunk to forget.

Right after receiving my threatening Social Probation letter, I received another letter from Mount Union.

“Congratulations!” it said. “Your exemplary GPA and outstanding academic performance have placed you on the Mount Union College Dean’s List!”

I’d made Dean’s List and been put on Social Probation in exactly the same semester.

Two years later, I was back on Social Probation for the same offense. I never made Dean’s List again.