I Hated That Smell.
I never liked the taste of alcohol. As a serious alcoholic, I had to work around that.
My first drink was at the age of 8, after a brewery tour. Kids got root beer, which was delicious, but my dad’s friend, Fred, offered me a sip of his beer. So I tried it.
The rancid smell that permeated the entire building filled the foamy glass, and I hated that smell. The fact that I remember that tiny sip of beer should have been some sort of clue.
The alcohol inventors knew all about people like me, though.
Blackberry brandy tasted awesome. I had my first shot to “warm me up” when it was freezing cold outside. I’d just walked into a bar, practically frostbitten from the motorcycle. If I were ever forced to drink alcohol now (as if someone might do that to me), I would choose blackberry brandy.
As a sober person, I realize my favoritism is because I really like blackberries.
I loved rum mostly because it mixed with Coke. If I could have gotten drunk on cola, I would have done it.
Sometimes I used peppermint schnapps in place of toothpaste. I loved the way I could combine the taste of chewing gum with the ability to get roaringly drunk in mere minutes. Spearmint schnapps was equally delicious.
Sloe gin was so sweet, it actually made my stomach hurt. Even though it’s made simply from a plum-like fruit, I had to give it up.
Ken, my summer love from Kennywood, introduced me to a wine that tasted just like strawberries. I loved it and yes, I also love strawberries.
Bonnie introduced me to kahlua; it was like a teeny chocolate milkshake. I loved the creaminess and chocolate aftertaste but I rarely drank kahlua because, like chocolate milk, I often got sick from drinking it before I got drunk enough for my liking.
What I really wanted from alcohol was candy and fruit.
I drank tequila because I wanted to prove I was tough. I drank whiskey because I knew I was tough. And I drank gin, scotch, vodka, sake, grain alcohol, wine, wine coolers, vermouth, sherry and champagne because if there was nothing else around, it would have to do.
Beer was the absolute worst. I hated the taste of beer with every ounce of my being. And I drank it nearly every day for almost a decade.
I almost never drank “fancy” drinks – not shots nor beer – and I had no bar at home. Cases of canned beer were cheap. Draft beers at the bar were cheap. I was very, very poor since it takes a ton of money to stay drunk 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
So I drank beer – the cheaper the better.
I drank Busch, Schlitz, Miller and Miller Light, Budweiser and Bud Light. I drank Rolling Rock, Iron City and IC Light. I drank Natural Light because they’d deliver it to my dorm room. I drank Coors Light because it had a pretty silver can. I drank Pabst because of its blue ribbon and I drank Lone Star because it made me believe I was in Urban Cowboy. I drank Old Milwaukee and Olympia. I even drank Schaefer – many times – and I swear, it tasted exactly like someone had pissed in the can.
I drank whatever was on tap and rarely asked what brand I was drinking. But I was a beer drinker because it was cheap, and it got me drunk at the perfect pace.
This made me proud.
Thank God I don’t have to drink anymore.