Does She Not Like Me Now?
The longer the pandemic goes, the more likely I am to stay in my cocoon here at home. It’s very cold outside – and nowhere near as cold here as it is in other places – but I am happy to hibernate.
Every morning I wake up with nowhere to go and nothing to do, and I think, I don’t want to get out of this bed. I wonder about any upcoming activities and realize: I have to feed the fish. If Dylan hadn’t rescued two fish and left them with us, I wouldn’t even have this. But one of our fish is all-but blind now, and feeding him takes a minute. Plus I play piano music for him; he likes that.
So I consider getting out of the nice, warm bed (with it’s new mattress pad, which is lovely). I remember: I have to walk the dog. Loki gets walked twice a day no matter what the weather. When I finally roll out of bed, it’s usually because Wordle is waiting. Some days, this is a 12-second game, and some days it takes 20 minutes. The worst days are when I play after midnight, leaving me with no Wordle in the morning. Fortunately, then, I have Jeopardy questions and Luminosity. These are supposed to keep me mentally fit.
But lately I have been thinking: I don’t care if I’m mentally fit. Why do I bother? I still can’t remember why I jumped up and raced into the kitchen. I still don’t know the word for that thing that does the thing for the whatchamacallit.
I am virtually friendless, for good reason. I don’t talk to anyone, mostly for fear of putting them off, having them dislike me. I’ve been hurt a lot so I push people away rather than get to know them.
As has been the case since I had my very first friend, there are a couple of people I’ve let in. But I don’t make friendships a priority. Occasionally sports venture into my daily routine – softball sometimes, pickleball lately – and dealing with people is necessary for sports. It reminds me that people are my biggest fear.
Dealing with people feels like a lot of work. I worry all the time. I question every word I say: Did that sound weird? This thought is followed immediately by a horribly disturbing thought – the force that drives me in the world of people: Did I hurt her feelings; does she not like me now?
I am so consumed by this thought, so overwhelmed by it, that I can barely function.
So prioritizing people doesn’t make a lot of sense; I have decided to prioritize dogs.
When talking to my dog, I don’t ever think: Does he like me? Because he always likes me, and it doesn’t matter what I say or do. Even if I explode because he tore up the paper towels again, two minutes later he’s on my lap.
Dogs give so much and require so little; it makes sense that I should get a ton of dogs, spend my time with them, be an old dog lady. Maybe I’ll trade in this suburban lifestyle for a small place in the woods with a doggy door.
With the kids gone, if I weren’t married, this would be the path I would take. As a married person, I am required to compromise. I am required to deal with at least one person. So far, I can’t even get Bill to agree to get a second dog.
Yet the animals are literally the only reason I get out of bed.
Kir, I know that I don’t meet your needs because I don’t respond to your posts, but I always read all of them. And since we have reconnect, I have tried to let you know to the best of my ability that I have been there for you. So it breaks my heart to hear that you feel like you have no one.
I would never say you don’t meet my needs, and thank you so much for reading!
Thanks for the kind words, Glenn. I used to have a cat, loved her for 18 years – but I am more of a dog person. As for the fish, I do not play piano. I will have to write a whole blog about that next! Answer coming Friday.
You do have some hobbies that are worth getting out of bed. This blog is one. Do you actually play the piano for the fish? Or play piano music on some devise. Speaking of pets, would Bill go for a cat? I’ve had cats all my life. Couldn’t imagine life without a cat.