Larry and I were driving home from Linda’s one night after his band had been playing. I’d spent the majority of the night talking to Ronnie. I was drunk and buzzing on a bit of cocaine Ronnie had provided as well.
“I wanted to sing tonight,” I slurred at Larry. I wasn’t even sober enough to stand upright.
“I wanted you to sing,” Larry said. “Don’t you fuckin’ remember? I asked you after the first set!”
“Asked me what?” I did not remember the first set or anything thereafter. I was beyond wasted; I was obliterated.
“You were too busy makin’ eyes at that fuckin’ guy to answer me!”
Making eyes? I didn’t even know what that meant. And I didn’t remember any guy except Ronnie. “What guy?”
“You know exactly what I’m fuckin’ talking about!” Larry huffed. “Don’t play stupid with me!”
Play stupid? I really didn’t understand what he was saying tonight. “I don’t know what you’re talking about! And I’m not stupid!”
“You are fuckin’ stupid if you don’t fuckin’ know what I’m talking about!” Larry bellowed. Suddenly he careened off the road, sliding a bit in the snow before screeching to a halt.
“What the fuck?!” I yelled at him; I’d nearly dropped my cigarette.
“Get outta my car!” he screamed. “Get the fuck out of my fuckin’ car! You can fuckin’ walk home!”
It was the dead of winter and freezing cold outside. I did not want to get out of the car, so I just sat still. But I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “Fuck you!” I said.
“Fuck you, ya fuckin’ cunt! Get outta my fuckin’ car!”
I got out of the car. My teeth chattered before he even pulled away.
I was wearing my leather jacket but no gloves; as usual, no underwear or socks. I hadn’t planned on being outside in the snow, nor had I expected to be outside at 3:00 in the morning.
I started walking, having absolutely no idea where I was going. I just shuffled along. When I reached a spot under an overpass where the snow hadn’t fallen, I sat down on a curb. I supposed I could sleep there, but it was awfully cold. What if I froze to death overnight?
I really didn’t want to freeze to death; my parents would hate that.
My parents, I thought. It’s warm at my parent’s house. I looked around and saw light in the distance. So I got up and started shuffling again, aiming for the light. I walked for a much longer time than expected.
It turned out to be a convenience store – with a payphone outside. I checked for change. Nothing. So I dialed zero.
My mother picked up the phone.
“Collect call from Kristen, will you accept the charges?”
“Yes.” Click. “Kirsten?”
“Mom? Larry left me on the side of the road and I’m cold. I just need a place to stay for the night.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at the CoGo’s in Turtle Creek.”
My mother covered the phone with her hand while she talked to my dad. I waited, too drunk to think.
“Daddy’s coming to get you,” she said. “Stay there.”
I stayed there. I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
My dad picked me up and drove me to their house, maybe 10 minutes away. We didn’t talk much.
I passed out immediately.
When I woke sometime in the afternoon, my mom drove me to Pitcairn. We didn’t talk much either.
Probably they both just saved my life. I hope I said thank you.
After our rollicking good time on New Year’s Eve, my date with Edgar the school bus driver wasn’t quite what I’d envisioned.
Larry was working, so Edgar and I went out to lunch. My disillusionment started when my ride arrived: a Chevy Citation with a broken handle. Edgar had to open the door from the inside.
“Where’s the bus?” I asked.
Edgar did not laugh. “I don’t drive the bus to lunch,” he said.
I must have been completely ignorant about such things, because I’d imagined our date to include sex on a school bus.
Instead we just headed off for a regular date.
“Well, tell me all about your job then!” I said excitedly, hoping for details about powering such a monstrous vehicle.
Edgar did not even smile. “Well I drive to a couple of schools,” he said. “The kids scream the whole time.”
“But you love it, right?” I asked, a bit confused.
“I guess,” he said. “But I have to get up really early so I’m kinda tired.” I didn’t know if Edgar meant he was tired now, or he was tired every day. Maybe both.
The conversation did not get better. Edgar had no passion for his job, which made me wonder if maybe I should be driving a bus, rather than dating this bus driver.
{This consideration was a serious clue to a relationship pattern I’d developed, but I completely missed the clue.}
“Isn’t it fun to drive all those kids around?” I queried.
“Hell no,” he said.
Edgar and I went to an Italian restaurant, one that was fast and cheap. Edgar didn’t laugh or smile the entire time we were eating, didn’t seem to understand when I was making jokes, and he didn’t talk much about his job, even after I showed a renewed interest in the kids.
We had exactly one glass of wine each, which is utterly useless for an alcoholic. What good is one glass of wine? It ignites the MORE MORE MORE! urgency, but fails miserably at creating any kind of fun romp afterward.
I also mistakenly believed that, because Edgar was younger than Larry, we would have a lot in common.
“What kind of music do you listen to?” I asked. “Who’s your favorite band?”
“I dunno,” he said. “I don’t really listen to music.”
Then he stopped talking again. Edgar didn’t talk much about anything. So we ate in silence.
We’d had such a good time on New Year’s Eve. How did I miss the incredulously boring nature of the man across the table from me?
I felt guilty eating the food Edgar provided. I hadn’t thought to bring any money; Larry always paid for everything. I wasn’t used to going on actual dates.
And this particular date made me want to stop dating forever. By the time we were done with lunch, I was ready to go home – with one exception.
“Should we do a line before we go?” I asked. Edgar had supplied me with an immense amount of cocaine on New Year’s Eve; maybe that was the element we were missing.
Edgar didn’t even hesitate: “That was just for New Year’s Eve,” he said.
“Okay,” I said, still trying to act chipper. “That was a really fun night.”
Edgar grunted, “Uh-huh.” He didn’t seem even slightly interested in our wild night together, and he certainly wasn’t interested in our lunch.
So it was a short, very quiet ride back to my house. I never saw the school bus driver again.
Since doing cocaine on New Year’s Eve way back in 1984, I longed to thoroughly and exceptionally enjoy the last day of the year. I didn’t know how to make it happen, but I believed that New Year’s Eve had to be special.
I didn’t want to go to a bar and see a live band, like we always did. I wanted to do something different, something special, something fabulous and unforgettable. The memories I planned to make would last me till my dying day. On the last day of 1986, I wanted to party. I wanted to blast loud music and dance until the sun came up and drink champagne and do lots and lots and lots of cocaine – just like I had two years earlier.
Unfortunately, this was not the lifestyle I now lived. Unless Bonnie came to visit, which was rare, I had absolutely no friends, and all of Larry’s friends were ancient. And no one in my biker circle understood my voracious appetite for cocaine, nor could they afford it. Cocaine was ridiculously expensive.
So when Larry said, “Leo’s friend is having a party” – and assumed we were going – I got very excited.
“Can we get cocaine?” I asked immediately, hopeful.
Larry laughed. “We don’t need that shit,” he said. So we went to the party without any cocaine or champagne, a 12-pack of Miller Lite tucked under Larry’s arm which, I believe, he drank entirely on his own.
There was no dancing. People were sitting around on couches; the television was on. Whole groups of people were walking in and out of the back door, seemingly just wandering. Music was playing and there was a keg out there.
It wasn’t what I had envisioned, but it would do.
I was in a carpeted hallway – and in line for the bathroom – when I met Edgar. He was young, my height, with jet-black hair and dark eyes. As we stood next to each other waiting, we eventually started chatting.
Edgar was a school bus driver – a job I had always wanted to do, since I loved driving and I loved kids. I was fascinated.
Edgar said, in his monotone voice, “Let’s go out to eat. I can tell you all about it.”
I didn’t hesitate: “Yes!” Here was a guy whose job I respected! Never mind that I actually lived with Larry.
By the time the bathroom opened for me to go in, I took Edgar in with me. We made out against the sink for so long, our hips had sink indentations.
Then Edgar took out a container of white powder and started spreading lines on the sink. Why had I been wasting my time kissing this man? He had cocaine!
We did a few lines, kissed a little more, then went out to rejoin the party. Larry was used to me disappearing and suspected nothing – so whenever Edgar nodded at me from across the room, I knew it was time for another trip to the bathroom.
I called my mother the next day. “I have a date with a bus driver!” I told her.
I wanted her to be proud of me, trying to make something of my life. She’d always thought I should be a teacher; I figured dating a bus driver was the next best thing.
She never said a word about me cheating on Larry. In fact, no one did.
With the holidays upon us, our fighting temporarily quelled, Larry said, “Let’s do the Christmas run!”
“What’s a Christmas run?” I asked. I did not enjoy running.
“You’ll see,” he said. “You’ll fuckin’ love it.”
We had to get up very early for the “Christmas run,” and we had to wear chaps. Chaps were Larry’s solution to cold weather. They actually only covered the fronts of our legs. Maybe they deflected wind. Maybe. Like our boots, thin leather gloves and black jackets, chaps looked really cool and were equally inefficient.
Anyway, we dressed as warmly as possible in mid-December, and headed out on the Harley. We didn’t drive far before pulling into in a giant parking lot crawling with motorcycles. We putted around the lot carefully, since bikes were haphazardly parked and bikers were strolling about. Finally we parked, hopped off, and used the port-a-johns before hopping back on the bike.
All of the engines seemed to start at once – loud, Harley roars echoing everywhere as we ambled into the procession. At the exit for the parking lot, just before we roared onto the highway behind the other bikes in parade-like fashion, we were stopped by a guy surrounded by giant boxes labeled “TOYS FOR TOTS.”
Larry waited while the guy reached into a box and pulled out a three-foot-tall teddy bear.
“Here ya go, young lady!” the man said.
Apparently I was getting a bear.
Ahead of us, the motorcycles had formed two single lines, bikers pairing up like lines of ants. We hopped into a spot and stayed in our line, slowly and carefully so as not to knock anyone off their bikes.
We rode and rode, over hills and through valleys, slowly in that long motorcade, me hanging onto my teddy bear and enjoying the scenery. My ears hurt from the roar, my head pounded from my hangover, but I was fascinated with what was going on around me. I’d had no idea there were this many motorcycles in all of Pennsylvania.
“Do I get to keep the bear?” I yelled to Larry.
“Nah, it’s for the kids!” Larry yelled back.
“What kids?”
“It’s for charity!” Larry yelled back. I still had no idea how riding with this bear helped charity, but I tried to emotionally detach from my new furry friend.
We putted along through small towns, where families sat in lawn chairs waving, watching us go by. I waved back. In addition to holding the bear, that was my job.
Finally we pulled into a hospital parking lot that was big enough to accommodate all the motorcycles. As we pulled into the lot, we tossed our toys into boxes that looked exactly like the boxes from whence they’d come.
We slid around the new parking lot for a minute, Larry admiring the bikes and complimenting people on their engines. He stopped and lit a cigarette without turning off the Harley.
“Let’s go get breakfast,” he said.
“Okay,” I said. In spite of my hangover, I actually felt hungry. It was the first day in months that I hadn’t started my morning with a beer.
We pulled out of the lot and headed out of the city to find pancakes and chocolate milk.
I don’t remember doing anything else for Christmas that year.
The Thanksgiving episode shone a brief spotlight on what my life with Larry was really like.
Up until then, I’d believed I had the best of both worlds: a family who loved me (and allowed me to watch our dog) and a boyfriend who satisfied my every desire: a safe place to sleep and eat, a semi-functional gigging band in which I could sometimes sing, a boom box to play my favorite music, and enough alcohol to completely anesthetize me 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the rest of my life.
But watching Larry chase my beloved childhood poodle down the street caused something inside me to snap – a veil lifted and I lost my already errant feelings of security.
I saw Larry in a new light for the first time. I suddenly recognized that the man I was dating wasn’t actually a beacon to freedom. I was dating a highly fallible human being. Whereas I once trusted him with my life, I now doubted him completely.
I didn’t know the man I thought I knew. And I couldn’t believe in this new guy.
Larry scared my dog – my tiny, short-legged, aging brown poodle – for absolutely no reason. Who does that? What kind of person does that? What would make Larry turn his rage on a helpless animal?
Larry had always treated me with so much kindness – and I’d always believed he had a kind heart. Now I wondered: was Larry actually an abuser?
I flashed back on the “instinctive” black eye that I’d gotten for my drunken misbehavior. I’d written that off as a “mistake,” something he’d never do again. I blamed myself for slamming the car into park during an otherwise pleasant drive. And I reasoned that, since I didn’t remember being hit, Larry could have lied to me – but he chose to be honest.
Because Larry was a good guy. He wouldn’t lie to me.
But on Thanksgiving, I entered into my tiny stockpile of evidence: one traumatized dog, shaking and afraid, and a neighborhood full of strangers who saw us as the white trash we’d become.
Maybe Larry wasn’t the savior I’d believed him to be. Maybe he was some other kind of person entirely.
And if he was, what could I do about it? I couldn’t change him; he was old.
I’d left my family – twice – to be with him. Bonnie was my best friend in the world but she was at the University of Akron now, with new friends. I couldn’t move in with her there, and I sure couldn’t wreck the lives of any of my college friends, who hadn’t graduated to become full-time alcoholics.
And I couldn’t go back to my parents while continuing to drink – certainly not comfortably.
And I definitely wasn’t going to give up alcohol.
So, unlike in Florida where I blamed my environment, I started to blame Larry for the way I felt.
But I couldn’t leave him. I was stuck. For the first time, I realized I was stuck living with Larry.
Yet it took me a very, very long time to figure out why.
The holidays rolled around, my first after college. My parents went away around Thanksgiving, which was my greatest reason to give thanks. Not only did I not need to stay sober on Thanksgiving Day – an agonizing thought – but my parents asked me to watch our poodle, Mocha, while they were gone.
I was getting a dog!
“We can trust you to take care of her, right?” they said.
“Of course!” I said. I loved dogs more than I loved anything else in the world, and I loved Mocha more than I loved all other dogs. She was the treasured family pet, my bright light from childhood. I was thrilled that she’d be coming to stay with me.
Mocha was a very easy dog. She was older, relaxed, and required only basic care. She slept next to me on the couch as I drank and smoked – things she’d never been around. Our yard was a small square behind the house that couldn’t be reached without a hike down the block, around the slum building and through a locked fence – so Mocha got walked instead of “let out” every day. I’d stroll down the streets with her, me hungover and/or drunk, Mocha perky and happy to be outside.
These were happy times.
On Thanksgiving day, I woke up around noon as usual. Larry was in the kitchen with a tea towel tucked into his jeans, like he was in a sixties sitcom.
“I’m ready to cook the turkey!” I said, lighting a cigarette and grabbing the two-liter of Diet Coke.
“It’s already in!” Larry said, smiling. “We even have stuffing!” He showed me the empty box.
This felt wrong. I was raised with a Mom who did all the cooking, including on holidays. It seemed only right that on my first Thanksgiving with Larry, I should make the turkey.
“What do you mean it’s already in?” I asked. “It’s my job to make the turkey! I’m supposed to make the fucking turkey!”
“The turkey takes a long time,” he said. “You weren’t up yet and ….”
“But it was my job!” I screamed. “It’s our first Thanksgiving and I am supposed to make dinner!”
I had absolutely no idea how to cook, but I continued to scream at Larry until he started to scream back. We screamed and tossed things around in the kitchen until I finally stormed out the door, furious.
Mocha ran down the stairs and out the door with me. The noise terrified her; we both needed air.
But Larry followed furiously in his clunky boots, yelling: “You fucking bitch!”
Mocha and I were standing on the cobbled-brick street in front of the house when he arrived – fuming and out of control.
“YOU’RE NOT FUCKING LEAVING ME AGAIN!” he screamed, spoon still in hand.
Neighbors came to their doors and windows to witness the Thanksgiving commotion.
Hearts ruptured as Larry aimed all of his rage at my poodle. “FUCK YOU DOG! FUCK YOU STUPID FUCKING DOG!” He stomped after Mocha, his giant boots booming on the bricks.
I watched helplessly as Larry chased her down the street in ten thunderous strides.
“LEAVE MY FUCKING DOG ALONE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” I screamed at him.
“Fucking dog,” Larry mumbled, slamming himself back inside.
Mocha had skittered off into a neighbor’s yard, safely away from the mean man with the boots.
I found her quickly, trembling and traumatized. Mocha and I sat on the curb for a long time, me petting her, calming her, calming myself.
Eventually we had to go back inside. It was cold.
And I needed a beer.
While I found Larry to be alluring, like a speck of gold in a muddy creek, and I loved the music he put into my life, I had not one iota of respect for his job, his choices, his behaviors, his past, or his way of life.
I was extraordinarily seduced by the confidence of the man who became my surrogate husband and father. I found Larry to be extremely attractive, and I was fascinated by the blue-collar world I’d never seen. But Larry and I had not one millimeter of anything in common, and I had no interest in him as a person. I never thought beyond what he could provide for me in my 22-year-old desperation to live “independently.”
In my head, I was living a free and easy biker life – hair flowing in the wind, arms outstretched to reach the sun – able to do whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it. That’s why I went back to Larry. I believed in the dream I thought I was living – and Larry continuously reinforced that dream. He never wanted anything beyond the simplicity he’d attained.
Sometimes we’d ride on the motorcycle on a warm day and the sun would blaze and the ice would melt and I would think, Yeah, this is IT!
And sometimes I’d be wet and hungry and sick and flopping all over the back of the bike because I was too wasted to sit upright and I’d think, I just want to fucking die.
But in my head, I only remembered the sunny days. I thought it was always summer and was surprised when the morning was cold. I was disappointed when it rained, which happened frequently in Pittsburgh, but remembered prior days as though they’d been full of carnivals and cotton candy. Every day, I’d wake in complete agony, head pounding, throat parched, and head straight for the fridge, and grab a beer as though my life was one continuous picnic.
I’d become convinced that my life was glorious. I thought I was beaming. I thought I was happy.
In reality, I was living next to a slum in a degenerate town teeming with derelicts. I was filthy to the core – barely clean enough to show up to work. My entire life revolved around the consumption of alcohol. On weekends, I had no reason to get out of bed except that there was a cigarette to light, a beer to crack open, and a dark bar into which I could crawl.
Other than those happy-hoo-hah moments when cocaine appeared, I did nothing other than sleep and drink beer. On a big day, I drank a few shots of root beer schnapps, or petted a dog on the street, or bought a carton of cigarettes, or a pizza with mushrooms. Sometimes I choked down a pickled egg or bought a candy bar at the gas station. That made it a big day.
There was absolutely no connection in my mind between my alcohol use and my behavior. Deep-down in the core of my soul, I believed that everyone wanted to live the way I lived.
And eventually, after months and months of living where and how I was living, drinking myself daily into oblivion, listening to everyone talking about freedom, believing that I was living my dream … I started to believe I belonged where I was. I began to feel at home, to find my place, and fit right in.
The more I drank, the more I fit.
I was staring into the mirror in the morning, stupefied; I’d never seen such a thing.
My left eye was swollen and the outside corner was red, hot to the touch. A puffy flap of skin under and around my eye made it hard to see, although my sight seemed to be unimpaired otherwise.
Larry walked in as I was staring into the mirror.
“Did I bump into a wall or something last night?” I asked. “Look at my eye!”
Larry glanced over and shook his head. “You’ve got a black eye.”
“It’s not black! It’s red. Or pink. Maybe I have pink eye!”
“You’ve got a black eye,” he said again, and walked out of the room.
I followed him. “How would I get a black eye? Did I get into a fight or something?”
“No,” Larry said. “Wanna go to the VFW?”
Football game! Beer all day!
“Yeah!” I said, and forgot about my eye. We drank all day.
By Monday, my eye was no longer red and puffy; it was bruised and black and blue and purple. Touching it made me wince, so I didn’t touch it. But I stared regularly into the mirror, baffled.
“What happened to my eye?” I asked Larry again on Monday night.
“You fuckin’ know what happened,” he said.
“I don’t fuckin’ know,” I said, “or I wouldn’t keep asking.”
“You fuckin’ know,” he said.
I did not know.
When my colleagues asked me at work, “What happened to your eye?” I responded, “I don’t know; I was drunk.” Everyone thought that was funny.
I laughed along, since it was the truth.
I didn’t drill Larry with questions, nor did I pester him. But I mentioned the black eye questioningly at least every couple of days, hoping that Larry would finally acquiesce to my request for information.
One day, when the black eye was almost completely gone, I said, “I sure wish I knew what happened to my eye. It’s so weird!”
Larry – who was chewing on a bite of sandwich at the time – swallowed and stared at me. Hard. He put down his sandwich and said nothing.
“What?” I asked.
“You really don’t remember what happened, do you?”
“No!” I said. “I don’t fucking remember! Do you know what happened?”
“Yeah, I know,” Larry said.
“Then why won’t you fucking tell me?”
“Because I hit you,” Larry whispered, as softly as I’ve ever heard him speak.
“No you didn’t!” I said.
He swallowed again, this time choking back tears. “I hit you,” he said. “You put the car into fuckin’ park when we were driving down the highway. You don’t remember that either, I guess. And I just … it was a reflex. I couldn’t stop myself.”
“You hit me?”
“Yeah,” he said. Then he picked up his sandwich, took another bite.
“I remember putting the car into park. I probably shouldn’t have done that.”
“You’re fuckin’ right you shouldn’t have!”
“But I don’t remember you hitting me. How can I not remember you hitting me?”
“I don’t know,” Larry said. He was chewing like normal now, no regrets.
“Huh,” I said. “I had no fuckin’ idea what happened.”
“Well, now ya do,” said Larry.
I was more interested in the fact that I had no recollection of the punch than I was interested in the punch itself.
Somehow I didn’t question that at all.
“I’m bored with going to the same places every week,” I told Larry. “Let’s go somewhere we’ve never been. Let’s just drive until we find a bar we’ve never seen before!”
Larry shook his head, laughing silently as he often did when considering my ideas. “Okay!” he said finally. “Anything for you, Baby!”
We headed out for a ride in our new car, which – Larry was quick to remind me – cost way more to drive than the motorcycle did. So we headed out on the highway into Westmoreland County, blasting music on our 8-track player and pretending we were far, far from home.
Somewhere along the highway we saw a lincoln-log-styled pub with a glowing neon sign: “Miller Lite.” Since that was Larry’s favorite, we knew that this was the place we should stop.
Since it was Saturday, the place was hopping: jukebox blasting classic rock, a handful of very active pool tables, and plenty of people hooting at the bartender for “another round over here!” Larry and I jumped right into the action. We played pool for hours, selected some of the best songs on the jukebox, and drank shots of brandy and schnapps along with our beers.
By this point in my drinking career, I blacked out regularly. While I remembered the general ideas of what happened during our days, specific details were often lost. For example, hours would pass, but I only remembered four songs on the jukebox. I’d “come to” while walking around the pool table, suddenly realizing I had no idea how long I had been playing or with whom I was playing.
On this day, with Miller Lite on tap, I remember picking up the pitcher of beer and downing the whole thing. It wasn’t a huge pitcher, but I remember guzzling it – because then I ran to the restroom and vomited, clearing my head enough to temporarily pull me out of my blackout.
I left the restroom and ordered another pitcher. I remember standing at the bar, waiting for the pitcher, and then … nothing.
Blackout-drunk was my new normal.
Next thing I knew, Larry and I were in the car.
I have no idea if I had blacked out or passed out – it’s all the same in the mind of a drunk – but when I came to, I was frustrated. We were speeding down an isolated highway in the middle of nowhere and I didn’t have a beer in my hand.
“Why did we leave?” I slurred at Larry. “I loved that place! Let’s go back!”
Larry never looked away from the road. “Nah, it was just time to go.” He didn’t explain why we left, and I remembered absolutely nothing about leaving.
“I want to go back!” I whined. “Stop the car!”
“We’re almost fuckin’ home,” he said. “We’re not fuckin’ going back.”
“I want to go back!” I screamed. Then I reached over to the gearshift – something I could never have done on the motorcycle – and slammed the gear into park.
With a noise like a boulder slamming into metal, the car skidded violently, going from fast to stop instantly and slamming us both into the dash.
“What the fuck!” Larry bellowed. “You coulda fuckin’ killed us!”
“I wasn’t gonna kill us,” I grumbled. “Can we please just go back to the fuckin’ bar?”
“Fuck NO!” Larry hollered. “We’re not fuckin’ going back! Fuck this shit!”
He furiously – carefully – slid the car into drive and drove us home where I promptly passed out.
The next day, I woke up with my first-ever black eye, and no idea how I’d gotten it.
Week after week, I worked night shift. Two out of three nights a week, I called Larry at three or four o’clock in the morning.
“Can you pick me up?”
“Sure Baby, be right there.” He never complained. Larry went to work at seven.
I’d stand on the street chain-smoking 120-millimeter cigarettes down to the filter, waiting.
Larry would light a cigarette and pull on his jeans, boots, chaps and jacket. He’d walk half a block to the end of the street in the pitch black, then lumber to the alley, reaching the garage. He’d brush off the snow from the lock, insert the key, and lift the manual garage door. Then he’d put on his helmet, back the bike onto the street, re-close and lock the garage door, put on his gloves, then drive 45 minutes in the freezing cold to get me.
I did not thank him for this. When he arrived, I hopped on, teeth chattering, hands and feet frozen, pulled on my helmet – and off we went toward home.
About two-thirds of the way home, we’d cross under an overpass, the Harley engine echoing briefly as we rode. And there, under the overpass, sat a decrepit black Camaro with a rolled, molding sign that said “FOR SALE.”
We passed that car for months.
On one particularly cold night, when I was exhausted and frozen to the bone, I leaned up toward the front of the bike. Over the echo of the Harley engine I said to Larry, as loudly as I could muster, “I want that car.”
“You want that fuckin’ Camaro?”
“Yes, I love it. And I’m fucking cold.”
Larry laughed his gravelly laugh. “What’s to love about it?”
“It’s black,” I said. “I want a black Camaro.”
“That car’s a piece of shit,” he said. “But maybe I’ll fuckin’ look at it.”
Less than a week later, Larry paid $250 cash and drove that Camaro home.
When I saw the car in the daylight, all I saw was rust. There were rust holes in the floor on the driver’s side and the passenger’s side – huge, gaping holes that allowed us to see the road passing by underneath. There were rust holes in the ceiling allowing us to similarly watch the sky. There was rust around the headlights, the taillights, both doors, and the bumpers on both ends.
The Camaro had the amazingly delightful smell of old leather, oil, mold and stale cigarettes. I inhaled deeply as I stuck my head through the window.
“It has an 8-track player!” I yelled, bumping my head and knocking a bit of rust from the door.
Our new Camaro was broken and misaligned and rusted out in every conceivable way. The fact that Larry was able to drive it home was a miracle; the fact that he could fix it himself was another one.
Our garage was too small to store the car inside with the bike, but Larry pulled it in halfway whenever he had time to work on it. Sometimes he pulled in the front part of the car and worked under the hood. Sometimes he jacked up the car to get underneath and laid on the cold garage floor. Sometimes he backed it in, jacked it up, and messed with tires and wires and bolts.
Six weeks later, we had a functional car.
“You painted it gray!” I screeched. “I wanted a black car!”
“That’s primer,” Larry said. “It’ll be black when I get the money to get it painted.”
A month later, we had a black car.
I loved it.
