It Certainly Isn’t What Dylan Wanted For Himself.

While I have always worried about Dylan, the past week put things into perspective for me.

Dylan was sick. He was so sick, and the doctors were so befuddled, that I started to worry. I worried that he might have something awful – worse than just a fleeting virus – and that he wouldn’t snap back. I worried that he’d end up in the hospital. I worried that he’d end up in the morgue.

And worst of all, I worried that I’d done everything wrong in his life.

I thought about the countless hours I’ve spent researching ADHD and trying to find a way for him to survive in school. I thought about Montessori school and how it might have solved all of his problems. I thought about school, and how hard it’s been for him, how much he’s hated it, how he’s dreaded every, single day of his life sitting at a desk in a classroom and listening to “blah blah blah” from the front of the room.

I thought about first grade, when he’d written in his journal, “I hate school.” I thought about putting him in private school and how, even there, he didn’t want to be there. I thought about the law – the requirement that all kids be “schooled.”

I thought about the many, many times I’ve offered to homeschool him. I thought about how he always refused, preferring to be in a social environment, even though it meant occasional failures.

I thought about my dad, who once said, “I knew that if I put my kids in public school, they’d be able to handle anything.”

And his kids, me included, turned into fine adults.

But if Dylan died at age 16, would it have been worthwhile? Would it have been what I wanted for him? It certainly isn’t what Dylan wanted for himself.

As painful as it’s been, every day thus far has been to prepare Dylan for his adult life. He’s learned some tough lessons – and he’s come out victorious with regard to so many, many things. He’s giving it all he’s got, and he’s turning into a mature, responsible human being.

Really, that’s all I wanted for him.

And the missing work? The piles and piles and piles of missing work – well, it’s just stuff. It might have caused him to get worse grades than any of us wanted for him, given his brilliance. His ADHD has taken his “GT” and made him only slightly above average – at least, that’s the way it looks on paper.

But paper isn’t actually what matters. Missing work doesn’t matter. Grades don’t matter.

What matters is that Dylan is healthy and happy now, and that he becomes a happy and healthy adult.

Really, that’s all there is.

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