I Don’t Want to Loosen the Illusionary Reigns of Control.
Shane and I went to an NFL game yesterday – an interesting event for two introverts. We enjoyed ourselves, though, until – near the end of the game – Shane’s stomach started to hurt.
“Do you want to leave?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “We’re staying for the whole game!”
So we did. And on the way home, his stomach still hurt. He’d had a lot of junk food, certainly nothing healthy. And he drank two sugary drinks, a soda and a lemonade, which is more than he normally allows himself.
“Why don’t you just rest,” I said. “Put your seat back and close your eyes.” I handed him some sunglasses, so he could rest more efficiently.
Shane slid the seat back into a reclining position, and he was quiet for several minutes. I doubted he was sleeping, since he hasn’t napped since the age of two, but he was trying to rest.
NFL traffic can be awful. I said a little prayer that we get home safely.
Two minutes later, almost imperceptibly Shane said, “Mom, can you not crash the car so we can get home safely?”
I was stunned. I wasn’t driving erratically or even terribly fast – but Shane was worried. After all the crazy NFL people, the yelling, the booze, the shoving and aggression and screaming… Shane couldn’t relax because he was worried.
“That’s my plan,” I told him. “I am not going to crash the car and we will get home safely. In fact, I just said a silent prayer so we have help getting home safely, too.”
“Okay,” he said.
I’m not sure my words were reassuring enough.
I’ve been a worrier all my life – afraid to close my eyes for fear that something bad will happen. I don’t want to loosen the illusionary reigns of control.
But Shane has almost never shown signs of fear. And his little question, which was probably his equivalent of my prayer, made me realize that he’s more vulnerable than I realized. Inside his always calm exterior is a churning of emotions that somehow needs to be settled to match his exterior.
I want to remember this. I want to look at him and know that he needs reassurance, too – that, like all of us, Shane needs reassurance, too. With all the hoopla in this house, with Shane’s older brother constantly debating and pushing and yelling … with Shane’s parents arguing and yelling at Dylan and at each other … with all that Shane sees and hears and knows…
Amidst all the family chaos, Shane needs reassurance, too.