Why Do I Insist on Doing Everything FOR Him?
It happened again. With Dylan in day camp, I went back to my old ways.
His “camp” is an electronic music extravaganza, so he is working in the classroom all day.
Being “in the classroom” means he has to focus.
I got up early, and worried that he wouldn’t be ready in time. The first day, I checked on him in the bedroom. The second and third day, I checked on him in the bathroom. He was late, I knew, and I pushed.
Then I went downstairs and started making breakfast. I made sure he had his vitamins and plenty of water. I pulled out some coffee for him. I made sure he had a breakfast that was rich in animal proteins, so his vitamins would work properly. I gave him a pack of gum, asked if he wanted any snacks, and panicked when he wasn’t in the car on time.
And today, only three days into my coddling behavior, I blew up.
“NOT ONLY ARE YOU LATE EVERY, SINGLE DAY,” I screamed, “BUT YOU DON’T EVEN SAY ‘THANK YOU’!”
“It would be better if I did everything myself,” Dylan said. (He did not scream.)
“FINE!” I screamed back. “THEN DO EVERYTHING YOURSELF AND I WILL JUST SIT IN THE CAR AND WAIT FOR YOU!”
“Okay,” he said. “But you’ll be doing everything for me again in no time.”
Sigh.
These are not new words. My throat has hurt from this exact screaming speech before. This is certainly not new territory.
So why, I wonder, did I go back to my old behavior so easily? Why do I insist on doing everything for him, even now that he is old enough, and quite capable, and even eager to do things on his own?
Having pondered this only briefly, one thought stands out. Maybe it’s because Dylan is my baby, and I use him to make myself feel needed. When I feel needed, I feel better about myself.
But this is not okay. Using him for anything is not okay, let alone for my own self-esteem.
And I know it’s not okay, so I back off to an appropriate distance most of the time.
Then he goes to day camp, and I go kerplooey.
Maybe I need to get another dog.