God’s Vision for My Life Miraculously Unfolds.
On the day of the big revelation – the day I realized I’d finally let go of controlling Dylan, for real, I came home and started writing. There were a lot of blogs to be written, to keep up with my racing and wildly uncontrolled mind. Everything was swirling around in my brain, while the rest of me felt empty and raw.
As I was sitting at the computer, trying to compose but mostly just sobbing, Dylan came in.
“I know you’re mad at me,” he said, “but I’m going to hug you anyway.” The boy is an angel. He gave me a hug and knelt beside my chair.
“I’m not mad at you,” I blubbered. “I’m mad at myself. I spent all those years trying to do what was right for you, learning about you and taking care of you, that …”
“You didn’t spend any time taking care of yourself,” he said – extolling wisdom beyond his years.
My voice escaped through the choking sobs. “Right,” I said. “And now I just don’t have any idea what to do with myself. But it’s not your fault. I’m really not mad at you. And I think it’s a good thing. I think this is going to give me time and space to let God run things for awhile, instead of me having to be in charge of everything all the time. It’s just hard right now.”
“It’ll be okay,” he said. He hugged me again and – probably not coincidentally – went off to finish his algebra.
Later in the day, Shane and I went to the library. Since I’d stopped reading and listening to Healing ADD, I needed something else in the CD player for those long drives to and from school.
And there it was, on the shelf, screaming my name: Melody Beattie’s Make Miracles in Forty Days: Turning What You Have Into What You Want. I grabbed a number of other books, too, but this was the one that nearly leapt off the shelf at me. It may as well have had actual feet for the leaping.
The next day, after I dropped off Shane at school, I hit the “play” button on the CD player. And these are the words I heard:
“When I stop trying to keep everything and everyone in neat little packages and allow myself to let go of illusions of control, God’s vision for my life miraculously unfolds.”
So I don’t know what’s next.
I just know that it’s not what I’ve been doing for so long. I know that all of those feelings of control are illusions – and not ones that work anyway. And I know that letting go is the only way to get anywhere.
I know there will be setbacks. I know this isn’t what I intended to write about in this blog. And I also know that, in spite of all of my fear and anxiety and emptiness, this is the right direction.
I just don’t have any idea where it’s taking me.